quote of the day

When you give your trust to a person, you are giving a chance for that person to betray and hurt you some day...

我很‘忙’

不敢在这新的一年里许下任何的愿望，可能是最近比较‘忙’，所以没‘闲暇时间’许愿。我总觉得自己没有前几任Peace Carvin II华文补习老师的‘福分’，我的学生似乎在每个新年里都有增无减，不知是我教书‘高明’还是看管中心生意兴隆？但是若没有这些孩子们，我这个陈老师在亚利桑那这浩瀚之洲哪里有立足之地呢！得反省反省一下，在新加坡教书的日子更苦啦，比上不足比下有余，人比人气死人，我又忘了知足！

以往常告诫自己千万要扩大生活圈子，要学会搞好人际关系，要设法将自己的人气指数提高...... 然而不知是人到中年了，性情‘大变’，就是无法让自己撕下脸皮去主动与人社交，扮清高其实也并非俺的本色。这个‘扩大生活圈子’的愿望是奢望，今年别许，可是真的想要多一两个朋友，尤其是美国朋友。咳！很矛盾...

常常‘提笔’写博客时会偏向怨言、似哲理非哲理或是方言所说的‘有或无有’的东西。想一想，我在这里的旅游经验都‘荒废’了，没把遇到的怪人或啼笑皆非的事给好好地记录下来，实在有枉此行啊！也许我应该在这2010年里撬开记忆库把往日作为旅者的趣闻丑事都一一给写下来，娱己娱人。（话又说的太早，我很忙哩，加上记忆衰退，还是别给自己压力，有空才想这些东西吧！）heehee...

First day of year 2010

This is the first time i spend my New Year alone. But even if i were to be in Singapore, i would likely be by the tv because basically i hate crowds. Sometimes i realize my friends have a way with their words which really warms my heart. That day when i reported to a few that i have arrived safely back to Arizona, to my surprise, Peggy and Eleanor responded almost immediately. What peggy had always mentioned to me is that I will always be missed or remembered fondly by many in Singapore. Such caring and thoughtful words melt my heart.

There is something which i always seemed to forget to ask of my friends that: What do you see in me that makes you want to keep me as a friend? What was your first impression of me? Not that i would change my personality or character if i had the answers but i am always on the move of becoming a better person. Despite my impulsiveness and carelessness, all my shortcomings are accepted by these long-time friends that i would really want to change for the better so as to be worthy of their friendship. Mr Tan SH's generosity is something that i wish i can return soonest possible too.

Was glad that i was on the early flight back to arizona, this will 'hinder' any friends to send me off! Though i know mum cried already that morning in the house and i could see she and my sis missed me badly when sending me off. Afterall, we had been living together since i was born, 骨肉相连，how not to be sad that we are more than 9100 air miles away?

By the time i returned to singapore this december which is something i really look forward to. Hopefully all my friends will not chuck me aside...

So who says teachers aren't tactful?

What a teacher says and what he/she really means.

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
Really means: He was caught cheating on a test.

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and vitability.
Really means: The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes.

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
Really means: He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
Really means: The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all quarter.

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
Really means: The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
Really means: Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
Really means: Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument.

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
Really means: He's a bully.

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
Really means: Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
Really means: She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
Really means: He must have written the Whiner's Guide.

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
Really means: Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade.

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
Really means: A mouth that never stops yacking.

So who says teachers aren't tactful?

Stronger?

I thought i would be stronger and will no longer tear until i dropped Eleanor at the pheonix international airport. Afterall we are going to meet again real soon for my return home trip is just a few days later. However, slight trickle of tears still skimmed past my eyebrows whilst i was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway back to home. I was real weary after our long trip from seattle and have caught a slight usual winter flu. Maybe my whole emotional affair is just a wallow of self-pity that i would be alone again. Sometimes i am afraid i will not pull through my stint in the states and would even dreamt that i cannot keep my head held high when i return to hometown for good.

On the other hand, i was afraid that with each depart, i would no longer feel the 'unwillingness to part' because that would mean i am turning cold-blooded. So perhaps all the emotional turns are good signs, i am still human after all.

Oak Creek 17 Oct 09

Oak Creek, Coconino national forest, Arizona

淡淡的秋天情怀

1. “故作浪漫”的老毛病又再度复发，我这“绝症”总在我独处时、或是观赏凄美爱情影片时又神不知鬼不觉地来到我心中。其实秋天是生命来到了垂死挣扎，将要暂告的季节；我不是农夫，所以不懂得体会丰收。

2. 我又再度实现自己为自己许下的诺言，很有满足感，甚至感到世上无难事，只要慧群肯去动手做！嗤！只是又去山谷里徒步去了，有什么好炫耀的！故作玄虚？我想我可能不能孤独太久，也许我真的需要另一个与我有相同兴趣，臭味相投的伴侣。

1. 那部凄美的爱情电影刻画的是一个警探和验尸官的故事。验尸官得了罕见的头痛症，甚至会丧命的那种。警探和她探查的那宗案子就发生在一块印第安人的圣地中，那里藏了一具数百年来的印第安人化石，同时也找到了治疗不治之症的秘方。她深信在那一块印第安人数百年的传统医疗法和圣地才可以使她病好。这药方有五大要求：其一，水；其二，陶瓷碗（印第安圣人所用）；其三，神圣之地；其四，爱情；其五，爱你的人必须牺牲自己。是的，最后警探拔抢了，验尸官的头痛症烟消云散。

2.如果找到的伴侣跟我日子久了，把我看腻了可能不再疼惜我，也可能离我而另寻他欢，那我情愿还是一人。

1.他们不过认识两个星期，警探便付出他宝贵的性命好让深爱的人不再为病症而折磨，问世间能有几人做得到？那么悲凉，在这现今社会里还有人坚信这样的‘治疗法’吗？我们在忙忙碌碌地为生活而奔波时，是不是在心里的某一处其实还隐藏着旧时那种为情而生死相许的余光，只待一天被释放让后人美传。

2.我很被动，已经错过了许多‘良机’。我仍然被动，怕遭人拒绝，看来心中的他永远也不知道我的存在。

凄美的爱情故事对我只是天方夜谭，还是回到现实，好好地做好现今社会的奴隶才是真。

ColumbiaAvalon Symphony Woods, 6-8 Oct 09

Maryland, US

washington DC, 7 oct 09

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maryland Chesapeake & ohio canal 8oct09

glimpses of autumn

Maryland, US, start of autumn

The holocaust museum, DC, Oct09

This is the day when i lost my appetite for lunch, it seldom happens especially when i am on a holiday.

As i was walking from the Smithsonian metro station, Washington DC, i knew in my guts that i will make it this time to the holocaust museum. I didn't make it the day before because it closed at 3pm for which i felt is definitely 'unbecoming' of a museum. A museum, i felt, rightfully should close at 6pm for the least. I could only be grateful they will let us in at 5.20 before 'chasing' us out at 5.30pm.

As ambitious as always, i planned to visit the Air and Space museum which is nearby after this. However, i didn't make it for i spent almost 3 hours, practically reading almost every placard, signage, photograph caption and video in this museum. I never regretted it, especially when i see the descendants of the Jews and the old ladies who teared in the museum upon seeing the genocides and attrocities of war that can turn humans into heartless creatures. Though in black and white, the photographs and videos that depicts the cruelty and reality of the holocaust is haunting, it is nauseating to just think of food then even though i know it is time for lunch. When i came to the part of the infamous T4 programme instigated by Hitler where hundreds of disabled and handicapped children were all killed by poison injection so as to keep the 'purity' of the german race, i had to fight back my tears and kept 'psychoing' myself that all these killings were begone, they would have rest in peace by now after 66 years. 

Luckily i was alone touring because i can spend as much time as i could in any place i want, i wouldn't want to miss this museum for anything and it had been a long time since a museum with such display can have this sort of impact on me, like what the Natural History Museum in London did ten years ago.

What disgusted me most are a few students averaging 11 to 12 who actually made a mockery of the museum's exhibits, i was looking out for the teacher to stop all these nuisance but in vain. They are definitely immature and childish to 'appreciate', the irony is, their actions spoke of more humanity than what the nazis have done to the human race. I do not know if i had studied history, will these exhibits of the holocaust be more meaningful and will it affect my feelings deeper, all i know now is i don't know will i step back into this museum again if i ever have the chance.

普通的苹果树 不普通的快乐

上周六大清早到Oak Creek公园,靠近Sedona 去徒涉。那儿由于高山峻岭，因而景色有异于Sedona，比较酷似寒带地区的景致，虽然这个公园处在亚利桑那---这沙漠之洲较北部的地域，但只需从Sedona多驾半小时左右便到达。

那天早晨的徒步令我流连至今，时不时回想所见所触的都让我回味无穷。尤其是在徒涉时，看到那一排排苹果树和即将成熟的苹果更让我童心未泯，雀跃万分！虽然这不是我第一、不是第二，也不是第三，自己其实也已记不得是第几次看到苹果树，但因为生长在热带国家的我不像在美国生活的人，随时随地便能轻易地看到寒带果树，所以一旦让我看到不是在超级市场摆卖而是‘活生生’地长在树上的苹果，我就有种难以形容的兴奋！

大自然带给我的何止是满足，何止是普通的快乐！

小孩子要是看到这些苹果树会有我这般开心吗？如果我还是个孩子，我非常肯定我会毫不犹豫地爬上树并采摘果实，送入口中，大块朵颐！毕竟我非小孩，尽管心里真的很想很想这么做，可是我在意旁观者的目光，也只能裂开嘴傻笑和拍拍照，寻求另一种让人看得入眼及得体的表现。成人不是不懂得满足好奇心，而是像我这样，满足这好奇心驱使的背后有时却有更大的空虚---我竟没有勇气拔下一颗，尝一尝那野生苹果的滋味，要不闻一闻也好，真是失败！或许是教书日子太久，以身作则、正正经经，束缚着我在别人面前的这些‘做人规则’，让我本是‘放浪形骸’的个性一直隐藏着，其实自从踏入这行我就没有完全的自由，一种放纵放任自己的自由。

下一次，下一回，如果还有机会，我会再度重游，尤其是收获的季节里，看看那里是否在秋天时别有一番滋味，哪怕到时我将会孤身前往，我也要打起勇气去跋山涉水，去看看那些苹果树是不是会再度给我带来与众不同快乐与满足的心绪.....

又哭了

“坚强！振作！”这些字眼一直都在我脑海中。其实我怕孤独，我需要朋友常在我身边，但是当有人在我身旁时，我却又希望自己是一个人。我真的真的不知道自己到底要的是什么。

以前我从来没有流过这么多眼泪，如今我的生活那么安逸，不愁吃不愁穿，可是眼泪总是轻易地如水龙头般即开即流，而只需要让我看到一点伤心或伤感的戏或故事便一触即发，不听使唤地流泪。我怕在别人面前流泪，因为我总觉得落泪是懦弱的表现；如果家人看到，一定取笑我，况且我已经老大不小。

现在一点小事就足以让我‘朝思暮想’：那晚Jess说她听到Ben告诉她一些有关我和他的事，我叫她不要告诉我是什么事，其实我在逃避，我很想知道但是我怕，我不敢面对，原来我在每个人面前竟藏不住我的情感，我太失败，彻底失败！当晚我真想立刻打电话找Johns,问他为什么把我对他说的话说给CP！ 然后这些话又传到Ben和Jen，再传至Jess。都过了那么久，为什么他们还不断说我的闲话！我真的错信Johns, 把他当朋友，什么都说给他知道，他却如此信口开河，轻言传开，他一定是把我当笑柄！我为什么一错再错？为什么这么轻易相信人？我的弱点就是太容易心软，全世界的人如果都是我的朋友，我会很开心！所以只要对我有所关心，对我好，我便不由自主地会把他当朋友，什么都说给他听。 那么愚蠢、那么天真、那么没脑！我不甘心，我怕John把我告诉他的秘密都说给别人听，我好想警告他，但是我要怎么说，huiru不简单，若向她老公兴师问罪，万一处理不好，又是我的不对，他们俩不容易应付啊！我不能问Jess到底他们又传了什么事，因为我要面子，我需要维护我只剩下的那么少的尊严。

如果我有男朋友，也许这一切就不会发生。到底我有什么问题，为什么没有男人看上我，从年轻到现在，我真的那么令人讨厌？blog, 你能明白吗？我需要朋友，可是我找不到！如今又老又丑，更加难找好友！

不行，不能再这样恨这么多人，我只能默默地哭泣，只能独自忍气吞声，只能自怜.....

一个人住的的确确可以放声地哭，哭完后我就会似乎有所解脱。没人会知道原来成日把‘坚定、刚强’挂在面孔上的我是那么可悲和可笑的！blog，想不到你就是我的知己！

看到我现在有的

就是看了几则报章的报导后，有两个记者写的主题有些类似，‘看到你现在所拥有的，而不是去看你失去或不能得到的东西，这样你才会得到幸福。’让我在好多个晚上在脑海中自然而然便冒出来的句子。

我承认我野心有时很‘勃’，像前晚我到基地去参与空军部队预庆新加坡44周年国庆，我主动地与许多只是片面之缘的人打交道。这举动对我而言简直是难如登‘山’（因为还不至于登‘天’这么难！），这可说不是慧群的作风，因为我自封自己是至少有百分之60患有自闭症的人。我想我那天晚上最得意的‘交友’之箭便是落在一个与我有类似相同兴趣--徒涉运动的新成员，Jean。然而我们‘八字还未一瞥’，我想我还是保守一些，可能她不一定喜欢我这种既冲动、啰嗦又鲁莽的女人吧！成人交友都多了份戒心，就是没有小孩那么敢爱敢恨，其实我多想年轻20岁，回到潇洒的青春时期，从头来过！要不就是像一位诗人所写的：离开地球一会儿，然后再回来重心开始。 多好的意境啊！

过去已成过去，虽然惋惜曾经与一些人近乎每天朝夕相对而后来却音信全无, 你我都有心病，终究不能成为密友，但是事实上，真正的朋友是不需要每天共处一室的，只要心中还惦记着、挂念着就已足矣。即使将来擦肩而过如同陌路人，那又如何？日子照样地过.....我这一生交往过的朋友虽不少，但是能否维持长久到与我晚年仍保持联络的会有几个，我不敢妄想。我心里真的很希望找到，至少能找到一个这样的好友，那该有多好！

’看到我现在有的’好像对我这个什么都想学，什么都想要做的人是不是太少了？爱神的箭从来没有向我射来，是不是意味着我如今过的太安逸，不需要这份刺激的包袱呢？我不需要轰轰烈烈的爱情，就像大部分的人平平淡淡的恋情也一样令人羡慕。

友情爱情有都好，没有也罢！活着就是一种幸福，这些记者说得没错，‘看到你现在有的，没有的就别去看吧！’不知是不是单身及孤独太久，老是胡思乱想，我真的是无可救药， 哈哈....我要享受自由，因为难能可贵，不是每个人都有的！

看报纸

老弟从新加坡帮我运来了一些《联合早报》和《我报》的报刊，我每天吃早餐时便拿来详读。曾记得很久以前，大概有12年之久了吧！曾与Peggy，Kim她们到印尼巴淡岛游玩，我们的导游是印尼华侨。她说以前她的父母一到新加坡旅游一定会买中文报，为了能珍藏华文报刊（当时印尼是反华的），他们故意用报纸来包裹东西，那么就不会引起机场检察官的注意。回到家里后，两老便小心翼翼地将报纸一张一张地重新整理，看到父母如此宝贝那些报纸，似乎想咀嚼里头的每一个文字，在她小小的心灵中留下了难以抹面的印象，她决心要学好华语。她每天都收看新加坡电视台的节目，记得当时她比我们还更清楚新加坡演员的名字和演出的戏呢！她庆幸如今他们终于可以‘大大方方’‘公开’庆祝华人的传统节日和学习华文。我忽然能感同身受，好怀念以前翻阅报纸，闻到报纸印刷上的味道，以及与家人抢看报纸的那段时光。面对着我现有的几分报纸，我竟舍不得一口气把它们看遍，我甚至将喜欢的一些报导给剪下来，或收藏或出些习题让我的学生做一做，嘻嘻，我算不算有职业病，还是敬业乐业呢？

虽然科技发达，网上阅报或许已成为许多现代人的习惯。像我这般爱翻开纸张，享受手指缝中触摸报纸质感来刺激“阅读报章”感官的人倒是大有人在。以前在新加坡搭地铁，箱子里就见得挺多人‘拼命’看报，但不知是看报还是怕接触他人厉瑞的眼光。毕竟城市人多，大家需要个人的空间，挤得像沙丁鱼时就是很不自在，报纸便是‘遮挡’及‘隔离’的好工具。所以我的这个嗜好还不至于算是“食古不化”吧。

 

alive

The experience of crying for almost every episode of a TV show seems ridiculous until I watched ' One Litre of Tears'- a short Japanese drama introduced to me by Catherine. Based on true accounts of a 15-year old girl, who at the prime of her teen period, is unfortunately diagnosed with an incurable and rare disease- spinocerebellar degeneration. This disease will result in a person to not being able to walk, talk or eat in time, though with still a conscious mind for the least.

Never knew that such a cruel disease ever existed and that somehow when it happens, the disease usually finds its victim on the youth. As the drama unfolds, the main character, Aya, sees an active and athletic youth transforming to one who can on longer walk, I cannot help but cry buckets of tears. My empathy or sympathy with the 'degeneration' of her health increases with each episode. I simply cannot imagine a young girl like her can 'face' the disease with such great optimistism, for which if this should happen to me, i would likely have taken arsenic.

My tears are mostly shed for the strength she exhibited during her fight with the disease, perhaps even more when the warmth and care of her family and friends is showered upon her. The part where her high school classmates sang the song that she once took on stage with them on the day she decided to go to a disability school brings my streams of tears flowing again, these tears almost came to the point of 'gushing' out of my small eyes. As the story is based upon Aya's diaries till the day when she can no longer hold a pen, this episode unveils her writing: i awoke and i am truly happy, happy to be just alive. Alive...

Being alive each day is a gift and to give a smile or a caring gesture to those who always stand by you is even more of a great gift. Learning to treasure the littlest of all and being appreciative for what i have and for who i am, i owe it to Aya to rethink how insignificant and unfounded for some of my past troubles and worries were......

长不大的孩子

看了网上早报副刊《他和她的朋友》后，不免引起我反思.....

我从未念过名校，却曾认为自己自命不凡，以为单凭我一人的力量可改变世界！这很符合此篇中‘名校出世’的一些人：有的载着满腹理想和憧憬踏入社会，成了医生、律师、会计师等‘头衔’号人物，过着安安稳稳的生活，我将他们归类称之A；有的却持着无人能理解的梦想因某些原因而幻灭，结果满腹牢骚及哀怨，我就称他们为B。

A踏入白领阶层，在新加坡享有中上层阶级的生活，拥有汽车、屋子等不愁吃不愁穿的必须条件。他们结婚、生子，也为孩子提供A水准的学习条件，在facebook中谈的是他们平日的生活、孩子、事业、打电动等平凡的事。平凡没有什么不好的。

B也照样踏入白领似的阶层，但从事的是非理想中的职业。于是愤世嫉俗、怨声载道，自然朋友逐渐疏离，结婚这等事跟他们距离是一万八千里，他们当然抱着单身主义。在facebook高谈阔论、讲评当局决策与时事，这些不平凡的谈论，也使得心情大起大落。三十四十了还冲来冲去，像一个长不大的孩子。

若将自己归类，相信我属于B, 我何尝不是一天心情大好犹如飞上天，翠日又心情跌到谷底；而且倔强得像头牛，一旦对一些事有了某种想法就坚持自己是正确的，无人能劝解。可是我绝对不能硬性地把自己完全归类为B，因为今天的我已不再向往那遥不可及的理想，也没有什么‘内涵’来高谈阔论。众人皆醉唯我独醒，有时候我是对的！我不是自大而是别人总以为我什么都不懂，我只是装不懂罢了！其他有关B的作风嘛，倒是真的，我就像个永远长不大的孩子。

Back To Teaching...... (2005)

Time flies! It's been a-year-half since I am back as a teacher! Tao Nan School is a SAP school, they said. I do not deny the kids here are more disciplined and well-behaved than the kids I taught in Pasir Ris Primary. However, I remembered having a class in Pasir Ris Primary whereby I could actually leave the class on their own for about 10 minutes with no mischief at all. So far, I have not been able to do that in Tao Nan School. Stress level is high here. When you expect a child in a gifted school will be able to do amazing stuff and 'stints' and 'stunts', I guess everyone will expect us as teachers to do wonders too! I am afraid that instead of adapting comfortably in this school, I am just coping...... If there is a chance for me to do something really different, instead of teaching and training, where I do not have to worry anymore about my bills and being a bread winner. I will not hesitate and go for it.

Bali Blues ( 9 Oct 2003)

Bali is a nice place to visit, I went there a few weeks ago with my sister.The main reason to go there is because I won the trip in a contest. Never won any contest or lucky draw stuff till recently, friends who heard are envy of me, afterall I am still luckier than them who had never won anything yet in their life. Afterall it is like one out of a million chance that you get to win anything but we just kept on trying, 4D, toto, etc......something in return which we will never need to work for. Back to Bali, the beach there doesn't beat any of those found in Phuket but still Bali has some of the friendliest people you can find. The bombing in Oct 12 last year was inhuman, the ruins are gone and is fast building up. Out on the streets around that area, I saw many poor balinese touting for business at tourists. Tourism is badly affected and less than half of the number of tourists visited Bali these days compared to the pre-bombing days. Life should be serene like those balinese living in the mountains, planting balinese rice. People are poor up there but they smile all the time, makes my day shine. A simple hello is all that the kids up in the mountains could say but 'hello' never sounded better. Balinese work hard and most are content with their simple lifestyle, we should learn to live like that. Changing our mindsets will see a reduction in the tired, glum faces 'dwelling' in MRTs and buses. When we chase for material gains, it is hard not to tread on someone else's happiness to achieve that. 9 Oct 2003

Jobless (25 sep 2003)

I do not write great poems or novelty essays. To pen thoughts down is no mean feat and I guess this happens to everyone once in a while. I am in that state...... Someone told me you need big dreams to drive yourself to success. I agree partly: we live on earth, not the moon, we all have limits. We may dream big but to reach for that peak takes time and occasionally by the time you realize "Oh, so that was my dream!", time has run out. But if I have a child, I will say, " Go for it! Think big before your age defies you!" Reality bites and is biting me hard now. I can never realize my dream now, it will always be a dream in my dreams...... Regrets and proscrastination engulf me from time to time and I know, in fact, everyone knows, these are bad. But who is there to say, I had never procrastinate, had never had any regrets. Afterall, I am a human being. The saying goes, " To err is human, to blame it on someone else is more human." I wish I can blame anyone for all my pessimistic thoughts but my left brain sends the signal that 'all these are your own doings'. Being jobless is not the end of the world, yet it is enough to create a bruise in my pride now. I wonder how I will feel if I suffer a retrenchment instead. I need more trouble waters in order to push myself to build a bridge. Yes, that's what I should do. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel......25th Sep 2003