First day of year 2010

This is the first time i spend my New Year alone. But even if i were to be in Singapore, i would likely be by the tv because basically i hate crowds. Sometimes i realize my friends have a way with their words which really warms my heart. That day when i reported to a few that i have arrived safely back to Arizona, to my surprise, Peggy and Eleanor responded almost immediately. What peggy had always mentioned to me is that I will always be missed or remembered fondly by many in Singapore. Such caring and thoughtful words melt my heart.

There is something which i always seemed to forget to ask of my friends that: What do you see in me that makes you want to keep me as a friend? What was your first impression of me? Not that i would change my personality or character if i had the answers but i am always on the move of becoming a better person. Despite my impulsiveness and carelessness, all my shortcomings are accepted by these long-time friends that i would really want to change for the better so as to be worthy of their friendship. Mr Tan SH's generosity is something that i wish i can return soonest possible too.

Was glad that i was on the early flight back to arizona, this will 'hinder' any friends to send me off! Though i know mum cried already that morning in the house and i could see she and my sis missed me badly when sending me off. Afterall, we had been living together since i was born, 骨肉相连，how not to be sad that we are more than 9100 air miles away?

By the time i returned to singapore this december which is something i really look forward to. Hopefully all my friends will not chuck me aside...

So who says teachers aren't tactful?

What a teacher says and what he/she really means.

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
Really means: He was caught cheating on a test.

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and vitability.
Really means: The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes.

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
Really means: He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
Really means: The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all quarter.

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
Really means: The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
Really means: Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
Really means: Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument.

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
Really means: He's a bully.

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
Really means: Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
Really means: She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
Really means: He must have written the Whiner's Guide.

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
Really means: Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade.

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
Really means: A mouth that never stops yacking.

So who says teachers aren't tactful?

Stronger?

I thought i would be stronger and will no longer tear until i dropped Eleanor at the pheonix international airport. Afterall we are going to meet again real soon for my return home trip is just a few days later. However, slight trickle of tears still skimmed past my eyebrows whilst i was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway back to home. I was real weary after our long trip from seattle and have caught a slight usual winter flu. Maybe my whole emotional affair is just a wallow of self-pity that i would be alone again. Sometimes i am afraid i will not pull through my stint in the states and would even dreamt that i cannot keep my head held high when i return to hometown for good.

On the other hand, i was afraid that with each depart, i would no longer feel the 'unwillingness to part' because that would mean i am turning cold-blooded. So perhaps all the emotional turns are good signs, i am still human after all.

Oak Creek 17 Oct 09

Oak Creek, Coconino national forest, Arizona

淡淡的秋天情怀

1. “故作浪漫”的老毛病又再度复发，我这“绝症”总在我独处时、或是观赏凄美爱情影片时又神不知鬼不觉地来到我心中。其实秋天是生命来到了垂死挣扎，将要暂告的季节；我不是农夫，所以不懂得体会丰收。

2. 我又再度实现自己为自己许下的诺言，很有满足感，甚至感到世上无难事，只要慧群肯去动手做！嗤！只是又去山谷里徒步去了，有什么好炫耀的！故作玄虚？我想我可能不能孤独太久，也许我真的需要另一个与我有相同兴趣，臭味相投的伴侣。

1. 那部凄美的爱情电影刻画的是一个警探和验尸官的故事。验尸官得了罕见的头痛症，甚至会丧命的那种。警探和她探查的那宗案子就发生在一块印第安人的圣地中，那里藏了一具数百年来的印第安人化石，同时也找到了治疗不治之症的秘方。她深信在那一块印第安人数百年的传统医疗法和圣地才可以使她病好。这药方有五大要求：其一，水；其二，陶瓷碗（印第安圣人所用）；其三，神圣之地；其四，爱情；其五，爱你的人必须牺牲自己。是的，最后警探拔抢了，验尸官的头痛症烟消云散。

2.如果找到的伴侣跟我日子久了，把我看腻了可能不再疼惜我，也可能离我而另寻他欢，那我情愿还是一人。

1.他们不过认识两个星期，警探便付出他宝贵的性命好让深爱的人不再为病症而折磨，问世间能有几人做得到？那么悲凉，在这现今社会里还有人坚信这样的‘治疗法’吗？我们在忙忙碌碌地为生活而奔波时，是不是在心里的某一处其实还隐藏着旧时那种为情而生死相许的余光，只待一天被释放让后人美传。

2.我很被动，已经错过了许多‘良机’。我仍然被动，怕遭人拒绝，看来心中的他永远也不知道我的存在。

凄美的爱情故事对我只是天方夜谭，还是回到现实，好好地做好现今社会的奴隶才是真。

ColumbiaAvalon Symphony Woods, 6-8 Oct 09

Maryland, US

washington DC, 7 oct 09

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maryland Chesapeake & ohio canal 8oct09

glimpses of autumn

Maryland, US, start of autumn

The holocaust museum, DC, Oct09

This is the day when i lost my appetite for lunch, it seldom happens especially when i am on a holiday.

As i was walking from the Smithsonian metro station, Washington DC, i knew in my guts that i will make it this time to the holocaust museum. I didn't make it the day before because it closed at 3pm for which i felt is definitely 'unbecoming' of a museum. A museum, i felt, rightfully should close at 6pm for the least. I could only be grateful they will let us in at 5.20 before 'chasing' us out at 5.30pm.

As ambitious as always, i planned to visit the Air and Space museum which is nearby after this. However, i didn't make it for i spent almost 3 hours, practically reading almost every placard, signage, photograph caption and video in this museum. I never regretted it, especially when i see the descendants of the Jews and the old ladies who teared in the museum upon seeing the genocides and attrocities of war that can turn humans into heartless creatures. Though in black and white, the photographs and videos that depicts the cruelty and reality of the holocaust is haunting, it is nauseating to just think of food then even though i know it is time for lunch. When i came to the part of the infamous T4 programme instigated by Hitler where hundreds of disabled and handicapped children were all killed by poison injection so as to keep the 'purity' of the german race, i had to fight back my tears and kept 'psychoing' myself that all these killings were begone, they would have rest in peace by now after 66 years. 

Luckily i was alone touring because i can spend as much time as i could in any place i want, i wouldn't want to miss this museum for anything and it had been a long time since a museum with such display can have this sort of impact on me, like what the Natural History Museum in London did ten years ago.

What disgusted me most are a few students averaging 11 to 12 who actually made a mockery of the museum's exhibits, i was looking out for the teacher to stop all these nuisance but in vain. They are definitely immature and childish to 'appreciate', the irony is, their actions spoke of more humanity than what the nazis have done to the human race. I do not know if i had studied history, will these exhibits of the holocaust be more meaningful and will it affect my feelings deeper, all i know now is i don't know will i step back into this museum again if i ever have the chance.

普通的苹果树 不普通的快乐

上周六大清早到Oak Creek公园,靠近Sedona 去徒涉。那儿由于高山峻岭，因而景色有异于Sedona，比较酷似寒带地区的景致，虽然这个公园处在亚利桑那---这沙漠之洲较北部的地域，但只需从Sedona多驾半小时左右便到达。

那天早晨的徒步令我流连至今，时不时回想所见所触的都让我回味无穷。尤其是在徒涉时，看到那一排排苹果树和即将成熟的苹果更让我童心未泯，雀跃万分！虽然这不是我第一、不是第二，也不是第三，自己其实也已记不得是第几次看到苹果树，但因为生长在热带国家的我不像在美国生活的人，随时随地便能轻易地看到寒带果树，所以一旦让我看到不是在超级市场摆卖而是‘活生生’地长在树上的苹果，我就有种难以形容的兴奋！

大自然带给我的何止是满足，何止是普通的快乐！

小孩子要是看到这些苹果树会有我这般开心吗？如果我还是个孩子，我非常肯定我会毫不犹豫地爬上树并采摘果实，送入口中，大块朵颐！毕竟我非小孩，尽管心里真的很想很想这么做，可是我在意旁观者的目光，也只能裂开嘴傻笑和拍拍照，寻求另一种让人看得入眼及得体的表现。成人不是不懂得满足好奇心，而是像我这样，满足这好奇心驱使的背后有时却有更大的空虚---我竟没有勇气拔下一颗，尝一尝那野生苹果的滋味，要不闻一闻也好，真是失败！或许是教书日子太久，以身作则、正正经经，束缚着我在别人面前的这些‘做人规则’，让我本是‘放浪形骸’的个性一直隐藏着，其实自从踏入这行我就没有完全的自由，一种放纵放任自己的自由。

下一次，下一回，如果还有机会，我会再度重游，尤其是收获的季节里，看看那里是否在秋天时别有一番滋味，哪怕到时我将会孤身前往，我也要打起勇气去跋山涉水，去看看那些苹果树是不是会再度给我带来与众不同快乐与满足的心绪.....

又哭了

“坚强！振作！”这些字眼一直都在我脑海中。其实我怕孤独，我需要朋友常在我身边，但是当有人在我身旁时，我却又希望自己是一个人。我真的真的不知道自己到底要的是什么。

以前我从来没有流过这么多眼泪，如今我的生活那么安逸，不愁吃不愁穿，可是眼泪总是轻易地如水龙头般即开即流，而只需要让我看到一点伤心或伤感的戏或故事便一触即发，不听使唤地流泪。我怕在别人面前流泪，因为我总觉得落泪是懦弱的表现；如果家人看到，一定取笑我，况且我已经老大不小。

现在一点小事就足以让我‘朝思暮想’：那晚Jess说她听到Ben告诉她一些有关我和他的事，我叫她不要告诉我是什么事，其实我在逃避，我很想知道但是我怕，我不敢面对，原来我在每个人面前竟藏不住我的情感，我太失败，彻底失败！当晚我真想立刻打电话找Johns,问他为什么把我对他说的话说给CP！ 然后这些话又传到Ben和Jen，再传至Jess。都过了那么久，为什么他们还不断说我的闲话！我真的错信Johns, 把他当朋友，什么都说给他知道，他却如此信口开河，轻言传开，他一定是把我当笑柄！我为什么一错再错？为什么这么轻易相信人？我的弱点就是太容易心软，全世界的人如果都是我的朋友，我会很开心！所以只要对我有所关心，对我好，我便不由自主地会把他当朋友，什么都说给他听。 那么愚蠢、那么天真、那么没脑！我不甘心，我怕John把我告诉他的秘密都说给别人听，我好想警告他，但是我要怎么说，huiru不简单，若向她老公兴师问罪，万一处理不好，又是我的不对，他们俩不容易应付啊！我不能问Jess到底他们又传了什么事，因为我要面子，我需要维护我只剩下的那么少的尊严。

如果我有男朋友，也许这一切就不会发生。到底我有什么问题，为什么没有男人看上我，从年轻到现在，我真的那么令人讨厌？blog, 你能明白吗？我需要朋友，可是我找不到！如今又老又丑，更加难找好友！

不行，不能再这样恨这么多人，我只能默默地哭泣，只能独自忍气吞声，只能自怜.....

一个人住的的确确可以放声地哭，哭完后我就会似乎有所解脱。没人会知道原来成日把‘坚定、刚强’挂在面孔上的我是那么可悲和可笑的！blog，想不到你就是我的知己！

看到我现在有的

就是看了几则报章的报导后，有两个记者写的主题有些类似，‘看到你现在所拥有的，而不是去看你失去或不能得到的东西，这样你才会得到幸福。’让我在好多个晚上在脑海中自然而然便冒出来的句子。

我承认我野心有时很‘勃’，像前晚我到基地去参与空军部队预庆新加坡44周年国庆，我主动地与许多只是片面之缘的人打交道。这举动对我而言简直是难如登‘山’（因为还不至于登‘天’这么难！），这可说不是慧群的作风，因为我自封自己是至少有百分之60患有自闭症的人。我想我那天晚上最得意的‘交友’之箭便是落在一个与我有类似相同兴趣--徒涉运动的新成员，Jean。然而我们‘八字还未一瞥’，我想我还是保守一些，可能她不一定喜欢我这种既冲动、啰嗦又鲁莽的女人吧！成人交友都多了份戒心，就是没有小孩那么敢爱敢恨，其实我多想年轻20岁，回到潇洒的青春时期，从头来过！要不就是像一位诗人所写的：离开地球一会儿，然后再回来重心开始。 多好的意境啊！

过去已成过去，虽然惋惜曾经与一些人近乎每天朝夕相对而后来却音信全无, 你我都有心病，终究不能成为密友，但是事实上，真正的朋友是不需要每天共处一室的，只要心中还惦记着、挂念着就已足矣。即使将来擦肩而过如同陌路人，那又如何？日子照样地过.....我这一生交往过的朋友虽不少，但是能否维持长久到与我晚年仍保持联络的会有几个，我不敢妄想。我心里真的很希望找到，至少能找到一个这样的好友，那该有多好！

’看到我现在有的’好像对我这个什么都想学，什么都想要做的人是不是太少了？爱神的箭从来没有向我射来，是不是意味着我如今过的太安逸，不需要这份刺激的包袱呢？我不需要轰轰烈烈的爱情，就像大部分的人平平淡淡的恋情也一样令人羡慕。

友情爱情有都好，没有也罢！活着就是一种幸福，这些记者说得没错，‘看到你现在有的，没有的就别去看吧！’不知是不是单身及孤独太久，老是胡思乱想，我真的是无可救药， 哈哈....我要享受自由，因为难能可贵，不是每个人都有的！

看报纸

老弟从新加坡帮我运来了一些《联合早报》和《我报》的报刊，我每天吃早餐时便拿来详读。曾记得很久以前，大概有12年之久了吧！曾与Peggy，Kim她们到印尼巴淡岛游玩，我们的导游是印尼华侨。她说以前她的父母一到新加坡旅游一定会买中文报，为了能珍藏华文报刊（当时印尼是反华的），他们故意用报纸来包裹东西，那么就不会引起机场检察官的注意。回到家里后，两老便小心翼翼地将报纸一张一张地重新整理，看到父母如此宝贝那些报纸，似乎想咀嚼里头的每一个文字，在她小小的心灵中留下了难以抹面的印象，她决心要学好华语。她每天都收看新加坡电视台的节目，记得当时她比我们还更清楚新加坡演员的名字和演出的戏呢！她庆幸如今他们终于可以‘大大方方’‘公开’庆祝华人的传统节日和学习华文。我忽然能感同身受，好怀念以前翻阅报纸，闻到报纸印刷上的味道，以及与家人抢看报纸的那段时光。面对着我现有的几分报纸，我竟舍不得一口气把它们看遍，我甚至将喜欢的一些报导给剪下来，或收藏或出些习题让我的学生做一做，嘻嘻，我算不算有职业病，还是敬业乐业呢？

虽然科技发达，网上阅报或许已成为许多现代人的习惯。像我这般爱翻开纸张，享受手指缝中触摸报纸质感来刺激“阅读报章”感官的人倒是大有人在。以前在新加坡搭地铁，箱子里就见得挺多人‘拼命’看报，但不知是看报还是怕接触他人厉瑞的眼光。毕竟城市人多，大家需要个人的空间，挤得像沙丁鱼时就是很不自在，报纸便是‘遮挡’及‘隔离’的好工具。所以我的这个嗜好还不至于算是“食古不化”吧。

 

alive

The experience of crying for almost every episode of a TV show seems ridiculous until I watched ' One Litre of Tears'- a short Japanese drama introduced to me by Catherine. Based on true accounts of a 15-year old girl, who at the prime of her teen period, is unfortunately diagnosed with an incurable and rare disease- spinocerebellar degeneration. This disease will result in a person to not being able to walk, talk or eat in time, though with still a conscious mind for the least.

Never knew that such a cruel disease ever existed and that somehow when it happens, the disease usually finds its victim on the youth. As the drama unfolds, the main character, Aya, sees an active and athletic youth transforming to one who can on longer walk, I cannot help but cry buckets of tears. My empathy or sympathy with the 'degeneration' of her health increases with each episode. I simply cannot imagine a young girl like her can 'face' the disease with such great optimistism, for which if this should happen to me, i would likely have taken arsenic.

My tears are mostly shed for the strength she exhibited during her fight with the disease, perhaps even more when the warmth and care of her family and friends is showered upon her. The part where her high school classmates sang the song that she once took on stage with them on the day she decided to go to a disability school brings my streams of tears flowing again, these tears almost came to the point of 'gushing' out of my small eyes. As the story is based upon Aya's diaries till the day when she can no longer hold a pen, this episode unveils her writing: i awoke and i am truly happy, happy to be just alive. Alive...

Being alive each day is a gift and to give a smile or a caring gesture to those who always stand by you is even more of a great gift. Learning to treasure the littlest of all and being appreciative for what i have and for who i am, i owe it to Aya to rethink how insignificant and unfounded for some of my past troubles and worries were......

长不大的孩子

看了网上早报副刊《他和她的朋友》后，不免引起我反思.....

我从未念过名校，却曾认为自己自命不凡，以为单凭我一人的力量可改变世界！这很符合此篇中‘名校出世’的一些人：有的载着满腹理想和憧憬踏入社会，成了医生、律师、会计师等‘头衔’号人物，过着安安稳稳的生活，我将他们归类称之A；有的却持着无人能理解的梦想因某些原因而幻灭，结果满腹牢骚及哀怨，我就称他们为B。

A踏入白领阶层，在新加坡享有中上层阶级的生活，拥有汽车、屋子等不愁吃不愁穿的必须条件。他们结婚、生子，也为孩子提供A水准的学习条件，在facebook中谈的是他们平日的生活、孩子、事业、打电动等平凡的事。平凡没有什么不好的。

B也照样踏入白领似的阶层，但从事的是非理想中的职业。于是愤世嫉俗、怨声载道，自然朋友逐渐疏离，结婚这等事跟他们距离是一万八千里，他们当然抱着单身主义。在facebook高谈阔论、讲评当局决策与时事，这些不平凡的谈论，也使得心情大起大落。三十四十了还冲来冲去，像一个长不大的孩子。

若将自己归类，相信我属于B, 我何尝不是一天心情大好犹如飞上天，翠日又心情跌到谷底；而且倔强得像头牛，一旦对一些事有了某种想法就坚持自己是正确的，无人能劝解。可是我绝对不能硬性地把自己完全归类为B，因为今天的我已不再向往那遥不可及的理想，也没有什么‘内涵’来高谈阔论。众人皆醉唯我独醒，有时候我是对的！我不是自大而是别人总以为我什么都不懂，我只是装不懂罢了！其他有关B的作风嘛，倒是真的，我就像个永远长不大的孩子。

Back To Teaching...... (2005)

Time flies! It's been a-year-half since I am back as a teacher! Tao Nan School is a SAP school, they said. I do not deny the kids here are more disciplined and well-behaved than the kids I taught in Pasir Ris Primary. However, I remembered having a class in Pasir Ris Primary whereby I could actually leave the class on their own for about 10 minutes with no mischief at all. So far, I have not been able to do that in Tao Nan School. Stress level is high here. When you expect a child in a gifted school will be able to do amazing stuff and 'stints' and 'stunts', I guess everyone will expect us as teachers to do wonders too! I am afraid that instead of adapting comfortably in this school, I am just coping...... If there is a chance for me to do something really different, instead of teaching and training, where I do not have to worry anymore about my bills and being a bread winner. I will not hesitate and go for it.

Bali Blues ( 9 Oct 2003)

Bali is a nice place to visit, I went there a few weeks ago with my sister.The main reason to go there is because I won the trip in a contest. Never won any contest or lucky draw stuff till recently, friends who heard are envy of me, afterall I am still luckier than them who had never won anything yet in their life. Afterall it is like one out of a million chance that you get to win anything but we just kept on trying, 4D, toto, etc......something in return which we will never need to work for. Back to Bali, the beach there doesn't beat any of those found in Phuket but still Bali has some of the friendliest people you can find. The bombing in Oct 12 last year was inhuman, the ruins are gone and is fast building up. Out on the streets around that area, I saw many poor balinese touting for business at tourists. Tourism is badly affected and less than half of the number of tourists visited Bali these days compared to the pre-bombing days. Life should be serene like those balinese living in the mountains, planting balinese rice. People are poor up there but they smile all the time, makes my day shine. A simple hello is all that the kids up in the mountains could say but 'hello' never sounded better. Balinese work hard and most are content with their simple lifestyle, we should learn to live like that. Changing our mindsets will see a reduction in the tired, glum faces 'dwelling' in MRTs and buses. When we chase for material gains, it is hard not to tread on someone else's happiness to achieve that. 9 Oct 2003

Jobless (25 sep 2003)

I do not write great poems or novelty essays. To pen thoughts down is no mean feat and I guess this happens to everyone once in a while. I am in that state...... Someone told me you need big dreams to drive yourself to success. I agree partly: we live on earth, not the moon, we all have limits. We may dream big but to reach for that peak takes time and occasionally by the time you realize "Oh, so that was my dream!", time has run out. But if I have a child, I will say, " Go for it! Think big before your age defies you!" Reality bites and is biting me hard now. I can never realize my dream now, it will always be a dream in my dreams...... Regrets and proscrastination engulf me from time to time and I know, in fact, everyone knows, these are bad. But who is there to say, I had never procrastinate, had never had any regrets. Afterall, I am a human being. The saying goes, " To err is human, to blame it on someone else is more human." I wish I can blame anyone for all my pessimistic thoughts but my left brain sends the signal that 'all these are your own doings'. Being jobless is not the end of the world, yet it is enough to create a bruise in my pride now. I wonder how I will feel if I suffer a retrenchment instead. I need more trouble waters in order to push myself to build a bridge. Yes, that's what I should do. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel......25th Sep 2003

Live amenably?

Often times, this woman does not know what she wants exactly. She always seem to be living to be amenable, perhaps sometimes trying to please everybody too much. That is why people said, "she lacks character or there is a lacklustre of charisma in her and certainly not assertive enough...." By the way, she knows her weaknesses yet she still finds herself sitting on the fence many times simply because of a simple mindset-- to be as amenable as possible. Come to think of it, just what the heck is wrong with that? If many people were to live with that mentality, then maybe, maybe this world would be easier to live in, with less conflicts and misunderstandings.

However,  'pleasing the crowd' does not seem to bring happiness to her. All she ever wanted was to live happily, so much so that if only, if she can say this piece to the people around her, "Thank you for caring about me, thank you for not always telling me what is right and what is wrong because sometimes i just need to fall to learn that lesson. I have had enough of you people telling me what to do, whom to believe and where i should go." But cowardness obstructed her each and every time she wanted to do it.

This world is full of deceit and this woman have had just ample tastes of that eversince she came to adulthood. She wished she would never have to sound so despondent but the cruelty of this society just dampen her soul every now and then.

This woman also knows that she has to learn to get rid of all these negativity thoughts and live stronger than before because she knew that the world has never and will never spin for her......

这一轮明月

Peggy，你这个朋友我真的没有白交！在我失落的时候，谢谢你的鼓励！你总是在阅览我的博客后给予我勉励的话，更不断在我发‘牢骚’的当儿开导我。

你说的没错，我何必为一些莫须有、毫无根据的话语让自己陷入泥沼中而郁郁寡欢，不能自拔！老天是怜惜笨笨愚昧的人，让我有你们这些不离不弃的老友，每时每刻都在为我担忧的家人；实实在在的你们才是我应该死守，应该把握的人儿！我不该让珍惜我、对我关怀备至的你们愁苦或挂念，我真不该！

有一点我要声明，在我写博客时，我的情绪总是多几分激昂，更有愤怒和感慨的‘搀杂’思路。别误会，我不是说我在瞎胡扯博客的内容，的的确确是有那么一回事，只是我有时言语中较夸张，尤其是在夜深人静时更是‘怨声载道’！博客在我无人能倾诉，无人能听我发牢骚时，它便是我抒发情感、让我发泄的一个管道。每每写完后，我就会反省，之后心情也会随之较平静下来。当然，我也害怕我写的东西有意无意的得罪人，时而会提醒自己要收敛一下。可能在美国有一段时日，与自己相处的时间也多了，因此博客逐渐成为我的死党，同时也让远在家乡的你们能知道我还尚在人间，见我博客也是一种安慰吧？再说，这里提倡言论自由，那么就借助这一点，让我‘自由发挥’吧。了解我的人会知我是直肠子，有的话不吐不快，憋久了会便秘的，很辛苦，所以呀请容许我，得罪人还是得说.....

也许接下来的日子，我也没什么话可对博客说了，像今天教完书后，备了一些明日的课，去了趟图书馆，到base游了个泳（今天最快乐的事），回到家吃了幸福叻沙（学生妈妈煮的，好让我缅怀国土的‘气息’！），我就真的没什么特别的事好交代了。天空正披上一帘夜幕时，一轮明月好圆好圆地悬挂此帘，此同我心，刚巧驾车回来我便忍俊不住拿了相机将明月拍了下来。优记得刚来到美国生活，以为这里的月儿比故乡浓，常常喜欢举头望明月；此时我的情怀却变了，不知是不是国庆快到，低头思故乡更甚于平日。月亮再圆，却不再像一年半前的那种体会。哈哈，怎么我猛然有这般念头，好似已出家为尼，看破红尘的感觉？我看我最近看太多古装片了......

话说回来，支持与‘拥护’我的亲朋戚友，哪怕只是在你们心坎里偶尔闪过思念我的一小段，我只想说认识你们，可谓此生无悔！

期待与老友们再度相聚一刻，故想到这里，才能让我此时黯淡的心情燃起了一缕缕的光线.....

Attachment: 且行且珍惜 伍思凯.mp3
Attachment: 白月光 张信哲.mp3

神啊，救救我吧！

原想自英国旅游回来后就写一篇游记，岂料一件莫名其妙的事又让我触动‘心灵深处’，再度跌入‘深渊’，悲从中来，游记只能暂且搁一旁。妹妹入院的事如今算告一个段落，我暂且无需再为她操心，然而谣言又经口不择言的人再度伤害到我-----说我见到男人就饥不择食！如此不堪入耳的话为何偏偏用在我身上，我千万个不解，难道亲切友善就是狐狸精？！既然如此，那么我只好作回真正的自己，冷酷无情、无动于衷。也许别人又扭转过来说我自大狂、目中无人了吧！

摆脱不了别人的‘臭嘴’，我很心寒。我虽然没有宗教信仰但是我从来没有想过害人，我只希望多些人会和我交朋友。因为我相信三人行必有我师焉，这样我必然会在摄取知识或处事待人方面有一定的进展，人生才会丰富。但是事实却恰恰与我的‘幻想'’背道而驰，越是想让自己过得平实、过的安宁，越是有人来破坏，怎么人的妒嫉心可以这么可怕，这么丧心病狂！很多时候我相信男女之间是可以有友情的，可是我一次又一次遭来闲言闲语，我是大错特错了！纯纯的友情是在小说里，并非现实生活中能觅到。假如我放聪明些，懂得带眼识人，相信我一定会躲过很多劫，不会轻易让人牵着鼻子走，轻易让人玩弄于手掌之中。如果在美国讨生活能完全靠自己，无须靠任何人，无须‘朋友’，我今天不会有这么多烦恼。难道我真的要与所有的人敌对，才可以获得平静的生活吗？我不相信神，但现在，我却想说‘神啊，救救我吧！’

Knowing somebody, knowing me

When i was young, no one taught me how to really know a person's character or personality. First impressions seemed to matter much and we were taught to be courteous and behave as a child should be. In my case, then i carried this notion with me, conforming to what the adults wanted us to be--obedient and respectful. Being naive, I have no qualms to whom i met and i trusted the whole wide world. As one grew older, you start to realize that this world is harsh and the tinge of 'cruelty in human' implants in your mindset. Well, that was what i deemed at times when i was a teenager. Reality bites as days gone by and the realization of betrayal happened from time to time. 

As an adult, when you think you know a person well, you begin to find fault, even at your own family members. Sometimes we tend to be less forgiving towards even the little minor fault of the person that you care about most. At the end of the day, we know that we have hurt each other so badly. Frankly, it is so hard to forget whoever did me wrong or the words they say that kept my nightmare going, i am still learning to forgive.....

Reaching 40 in 3 years' time, time waits for no man and i have yet to learn to know a person inside out. Sometimes i could not even tell if the person is a friend or a foe. I truly wanted to be able to trust totally to those i care, yet my past experiences deterred me from opening up. Often times, i say the things i never meant to say and hurt the people whom i never meant to hurt simply for the fact that knowing somebody is never easy for me. Do you know what i am trying to convey? Gosh, even i, am still searching for someone to tell who i really am..... 

一个人

一个人吃午饭、一个人驾车大唱情歌、一个人逛街、一个人大买特买、一个人种花、一个人游泳、一个人洗衣晾衣、一个人洗厕所再消毒（怕H1N1感冒传染）、一个人看博客吃薯片、一个人傻笑、一个人独自发呆、一个人写博客.....

一个人的坦坦荡荡、一个人的一天、一个人的生活......一个人的幸福。

一个人便是独自的孤寂，一群人如果凑在一块儿热闹，不过是各方的孤寂或隐藏或暂且未释放。其实我一个人现在这样的生活也何尝不是一种幸福，既来之则安之。

我一个人飞过半个地球来到美国，做的事对我而言已经算不少，但我却觉得我还有更多未曾踏足的地方和未经历的事，因为我一个人有时、有些真的无法一个人办到。我需要多些勇气，一个人如此过来也不能老把‘无奈’挂在心上，那么就会较容易去寻求突破。欲速则不达，从宽而行，我一个人能办到的就是得冲出自己限定的围栏，跨越障碍，遗忘曾犯下的过失、寻觅过往......

......一个人的梦

Attachment: 一个人生活 范文芳.mp3

向日葵

我的小盆栽里的向日葵今天终于第一次开花了，它象征光明、象征生命力！我们就向那一朵小小的向日葵学习学习，学学向日葵般璀璨夺目，因为眼前还有一段路等着我们走，而且还要绽放耀眼的光芒。

有时候觉得心很矛盾，很不‘安定’，总觉得现在的自己似乎比以前更敏感，老是猜疑别人是不是在算计我、是不是在欺骗我、是不是这个、那个......希望我不是精神分裂！不，能够懂得利用博客来抒发我的思路就足以证明我没疯。那天我写到要注意自己的言谈，谁知，我今天就伤害了一个好朋友的心，我真是死性不改，还是正如我一些朋友曾所说过的，我很冷血、残酷。尽管别人怎样对我百般呵护，我仍旧无动于衷。其实我决非是这种＇冷血＇动物，我只是在学会保护自己，更不愿伤害无辜的人，因为我也是不知何故的遭人误解，所以．．．．．

我常常活在自己的世界里，以为天底下就只有我一人在痛苦或悲伤，好像世上所有的事或人都对不住我，只有我在难过，并且束缚着不可告人的过去.....其实我的我行我素促使我忘了观察周遭的人，缺乏这一方面的敏感度，原来身旁也有不少的朋友也在‘挣扎求存’，载负着多少痛苦的过去而无法释怀。‘家家有本难念的经’这话果然没错，我总认为我家的经一定比你的难念！岂料，原来我们都是天涯沦落人，我们都有我们光彩和不光彩的过去，只是为了要继续走下去，你我只好设法带上面具去面对他人。苟且偷生？自我安慰？逃避现实？无论如何都是为了生存，因为世上不愿见到我们好，猜疑妒忌的人大有人在，我们只是为了每天多过些平静的日子，所以戴着面具做人。既然你我都是同病相怜，为何还要互相残杀？

朋友，不能不断死守过去.....把握今时今日，展望未来。抛开往日的阴影虽不易，但只要有毅力，绝不是办不到的事。时间会冲淡，你说的没错，那么希望时间便是疗养我们过去创伤的药物，即使抛不开过去的种种也试着去尝试。其实这些肺腑之言也是在奉劝我自个儿的，好难做到我能理解，但理智的信念告诉我这才是正确的想法。让我们展望将来，抛开过去，把握现在！但愿能像那向日葵．．．．．．

覆水难收

常怨别人口不择言，也曾一味地说‘人言可畏’，或许这番话应该多用来提醒自己！话一既出，覆水难收，多少次我的话不知伤害了多少人，尤其是伤害身旁最至亲的人，让最关心我的人为我的‘带刺’或‘口不对心’的话而失眠及难过。天晓得我是千万个不愿的，请宽恕我吧！

我毕竟是人，想为自己‘辩护’，我拥有情绪不稳定、性格冲动、精神不足、缺乏睡眠等‘症状’，因而患得患失，腾出口的话便显得无情无义、无心无肺。这是我的过失，我一定改过自新，留意我所说的话，在让心中的话还未‘见世面’时，必定加以思索、考量才让它离开我的牙缝之间。自然我刚说‘覆水难收’，横竖也是‘覆水’，倘若真心诚意地道个歉，尝试补偿对方，希望对方给自己弥补的机会，抱着不要让这‘覆水泛滥成灾’的立场而言，也只为自己求得‘原谅你啦！’这四个字罢了！人孰无过，过而改之，善莫大焉呗！

话又说回来，我再怎么小心翼翼，想把快乐扎根在我身上，试图传染快乐，好让我身边的人也快乐，却偏偏惹上一些口不遮拦的人。他们爱怎么吭就怎么吭出损人利己的话，完全不留情面，完全不顾及这些话刺痛了我的玻璃心，使我久久都不能平息。为什么如此对我？我猜想：没有利用价值，傻里傻气的我似乎额头上刻了‘好欺负’这三个字，因而招徕‘杀身’之祸！何年何月何日我才能获得谅解，获得平反，获得我应得的待遇？获得真正的欢喜?

......我就是这么简单，我只需每天多些欢喜......

P.S. 若是在下无意间得罪了常阅览慧群博客的人儿，千万别把我当千古罪人，我慎重地向您道歉！

缘分

我又睡不着觉，无意发觉了朋友，落花者，的博克 http://nightmusing.blogspot.com/ .....我觉得她写得真好，年纪轻轻，文笔却胜我一筹，我甘拜下风。其实人生经验丰富，对人或事物也有敏锐的触觉，写出来的东西肯定有‘看头’。 很喜欢她其中一段：

‘ 那位朋友A和B先生是同一个宗教的教友。他们认识多年，从不讨论之间的关系。他们只是每一个星期见一次面，看看电影，吃吃饭。彼此从不谈及男女感情，更不必说谈婚论嫁了。

他们就这样相处了许多年。有一天，他们经过一家珠宝店时，其中一人看中了一枚戒指，只是一句：“这枚戒指很好看吧？”，他们就这样结婚了………

我的同事就对我说，缘份真的是天注定的。有缘的人，无论相隔多远，无论必须等多久的时间，都会在一起的。’

我和‘落花者’都是双鱼座，多愁善感的我们对不了解我们星座的人一定认为我们故作玄虚，卖弄性情。毕竟这世界有许许多多的事和人等待着我们的援手，但我时不时就愁眉深锁，自寻烦恼，的确是太不该了。以上的小故事让我不得不想：以往所结识的朋友真的都是有缘分，是机缘巧合也好，是通过他人的介绍也罢，我们人与人之间的相遇就是很多时候靠缘分，无缘分必定是擦肩而过，成了陌路人；当然缘分已尽，就可能沦为‘敌’人。也曾听人说，有的人跟你有缘但就是无‘份’！这又是另一番见解。

就因为相信缘分，所以我往往掏心掏肺地对待每一个与我相知的人，但为何我却总找不到知己，为何没有人真正了解我，甚至有人误会我、背弃我！我常把以前听的那首歌“把我的悲伤留给自己，你的美丽让你带走...'中的这句话作为我待人处事的规则，或许别人不知晓，便当我是有心计，想谋利什么。其实我try too hard了；我只是想要身旁的人快乐，就这么简单而已。被误解，我心如刀割，可是我还能怎样，我于是往好处想，学到了不再轻易相信任何人。然则这并不意味我就会轻易被打倒，也不会自暴自弃。因为我相信世界上一定还有像我一样等着、寻觅着的有缘人，如果给我碰上了愿意真正同我相识相知的知己，那我的人生就已经几乎完美！我等待这一天的到来，就只差缘分了，我仍然相信缘分......

 

 

Attitude is me!

Today I scolded a student for being attitude. He used to be one of my best like kids in Arizona and I felt hurt when he showed more and more disrespect to me. Is it because of the influence of being in US where individualism is predominantly rooted here? I am not quite sure but after my 10-minute worth of lecture, he showed tremendous 'improvement' in his attitude and even kept on asking questions. How powerful i can be in influencing these kids i really don't know, but i only know that for the rest of the lesson, i had a peaceful and wonderful time with these bunch of kids, the long-lost feeling of gratitude and satisfaction creeps back in again!

As the days go by for the past month, i enjoyed more and more being able to do 'whatever i want' in this other side of the globe. I used to question myself whether i can be single, now i can say 'YES!' I need friends but the thought of settling down still scares me, the thought of having a family still makes me shudder. All in all, i am selfish and have since a long while wanted to enjoy this kind of freedom. With no one telling me what to do, i have the freedom to go where i want and do the things i want to, no longer depending on others. This, i can say, is the true freedom, and it is finally here! Yes, even if RSAF wanted me to go on for another 2 years, i will do it! Yeap, sometimes having attitude problem is good! Thanks to this kiddo, he reminded me that i have attitude problem too!

悲歌

悲情的歌曲陪我渡过了这一年半载。我恍然发觉下载的，甚至是朋友送我的歌曲和音乐大多都是悲情的。要是歌词叙述某些故事，或是以前猛追的武侠连续剧的主题曲和插曲，更有感染力，仿佛我掉落了时光机，回到从前。最牵动我心的通常是我年轻时、念书时爱听的情歌。当年的我几乎走到哪里，耳里总是塞着‘走人’，如今mp4都已经出炉了，我耳里塞的是几年前买的mp3。不知道有谁还拥有步听器这样的电器，那恐怕现在已成了古董！真是光阴似箭，岁月不饶人啊。

以前有个朋友，他劝我不要看新闻和报纸，因为里头的报道都是负面的：不是有人丧命于车祸当中便是某国战火连年，的确让人阅了就挺伤感的。但是我自小就耳濡目染，极受老爸的影响，叫我不看新闻、不看报，我便浑身不自在。所以这一年来，没机会看‘活生生’的报纸，只能在网上游览，就不是滋味。我知道自己很悲观，必须乐观面对生活，做些让自己开心的事，少听悲情的歌。可是人的情欲哪能轻易压制？说说谁不会，可做出来谈何容易。

若是以前去学学玩点乐器，可能更加体会出歌手或制作音乐人的感受。这我不懂，我有自知之明，不是玩乐器的材料，只能羡慕和欣赏台上的表演者和继续默默地听着歌。

当我的心被那悲凉的词曲牵引着、随之波动时，我听出耳油，便不由自主落下眼泪，尤其是夜深人静之时，愈加悲从中来。听着听着，许多往事似波涛汹涌般迎面而来，我挡也挡不住，时而还思绪混乱！不知是否有自虐的倾向，我偏偏做不该做的事。

夜深，那词是这样的：孤单的我，想飞，我要展翅飞翔，越过高山和海洋，带着我的理想，找个地方埋藏忧伤......

永远的蝴蝶

永远的蝴蝶——陈启佑（台湾作家）

  

那时侯刚好下着雨，柏油路面湿冷冷的，还闪烁着青、黄、红颜色的灯火。我们就在骑楼下躲雨，看绿色的邮筒孤独地站在街的对面。我白色风衣的大口袋里有一封要寄给在南部的母亲的信。    樱子说她可以撑伞过去帮我寄信。我默默点头，把信交给她。    “谁叫我们只带一把小伞哪。”她微笑着说，一面撑起伞，准备过马路去帮我寄信。从她伞骨渗下来的小雨点溅在我眼镜玻璃上。       随着一声拔尖的刹车声，樱子的一生轻轻地飞了起来，缓缓的，飘落在湿冷的街面，好象一只夜晚的蝴蝶。       虽然是春天，好象已是深秋了。      她只是过马路去帮我寄信。这简单的动作，却要教我终生难忘了。我缓缓睁开眼，茫然站在骑楼下，眼里裹着滚烫的泪水。世上所有的车子都停了下来，人潮涌向马路中央。没有人知道，那躺在街面的，就是我的，蝴蝶。这时她只离我五公尺，竟是那么遥远。更大的雨点溅在我的眼镜玻璃上，溅到我的生命里来。       为什么呢？只带一把雨伞？       然而，我又看见樱子穿着白色的风衣，撑着伞，静静的过马路了。她是要帮我寄信的，那，那是一封写给在南部的母亲的信。我茫然站在骑楼下，我又看见永远的樱子走到街心。其实雨下得并不大，却是我一生一世中最大的一场雨。而那封信是这样写的，年轻的樱子知不知道呢?      信里的内容 ：妈，我打算下个月和樱子结婚。 简析： 虽浪漫但却不失真实感的一篇小小说，一句话“珍惜现在拥有的一切”。

睡眠与我

近几个月来，我的好朋友，周公，老是‘捉弄’我。向来惯性迟睡的我，如今好像自去年11月回了一趟新加坡后，就一直无法将睡眠调回亚利桑那的时间，看来这时差‘效应’还得持续一段时间。

不到凌晨3、4点我简直是无法入眠。毅力不够坚强，找不到推动力，白天更加无法被鸟叫声、闹钟声给‘唤醒’。以往还有老妈在房外‘呼风唤雨’，如今独居了1年4个月的我只得靠禽鸣或闹钟了。坦白说，如果有足够的定力，自然而然，太阳晒到了屁股就应该起床。可我就是贪睡，那温暖的被窝尤其在冬天时更让我‘流连忘返’，不由自主地就算是坐姿已经摆出也还是重回被窝的怀抱。这么一来，睡得更不安稳，也睡得‘内疚’。

人要是不犯错就不是人，人要是犯了错还拼命为自己找来许多的借口，那就更加是人性。我常为自己找寻找很多借口，老了嘛所以没有精力来改掉这‘不良’嗜好。但我心里明白，这样下去不是办法，因此我最近不断反省，告诉自己要突破重围，一定要养成早睡早起的好习惯！

哈哈，哎呀，我又在痴人说梦话！醒醒吧，慧群！ 

破镜重圆？

前天突然想起以前我声称是我中学时代的知己。在我中学生涯中，我渡过了许多美好，同时也令我害怕及尴尬的日子。想当年与她上课、吃饭、为她补习的片断仍历历在目。但当她在毕业时告诉我我并非她的知己，以前对她倾诉心事，为她保守秘密也由于顿时她的那句‘其实慧群，你不是我的知己’的话，让我觉得我好像和她在一块儿的时光只是个玩笑，像过眼云烟，那么的不实在，实在的是令我直至今日还耿耿于怀的一句话。难道为她补习后，我不再有利用价值？不再是‘珍品’？人真是那么现实？友情真伤人重。

如今幕然回首，那时也许只是我‘一厢情愿’吧！ 她从未对我说我是她的知己，是我自己先向她说，也可说是很轻易地‘搬出’‘你是我的知己’这番话。踏入社会，我依旧单纯地认为工作上会遇到好友，总听人家说，同事之间不可能存在着真正的友谊，只要是我工作上比别人好，就不免招徕妒嫉，惹来白眼。朋友？难得呀！知己？不敢奢望！不愿面对但是事实摆在眼前。我的成功在他人眼里中好像是侥幸，说是我傻人有傻福。试问一个人侥幸的成功能有几回？我的文凭真能靠‘侥幸’而获得？那么老天爷也未免太偏心，太眷顾我了吧？华盛顿发现美洲大陆惹人妒忌，我能体会。

我不能迎合每个人的口味；不能使得我身旁的人分分秒秒都会快乐，我只能做我自己。她再度找回我，而我却再也无法接受她重回我朋友范围的框框中。就好像一个花瓶被打破了之后，用再好的胶水也无法将以往伤害我的缺口填补；我不相信破镜重圆，因为怎么修，花瓶的裂痕及洞口是永恒的，花瓶不再完美。我仍然没忘了我们曾有过非一般的友情，我不知道应该怎么告诉她今天的我不再是以前无知的我，只希望她能有朝一日醒悟，因为我们不会再象以前那样，很难了.....

野心

那天Jessica说肖鼠的野心很大，常常想完成很多事而且往往是在同一个时刻。也许大多肖鼠的真是这样吧。我不否认我从来都野心很大，想懂得一切，想超越一切，想样样都有我的份、有我的参与。‘人定胜天’常常是我做人的座右铭，但随着时光的流逝，我年纪已老大不小，我还能有多少的能耐去完成我所有的‘野心计划’！我偶尔提醒自己，要知难而退但我的心却又常牵动我的思绪，时不时还是由心来牵引及主脑我的决定。

最近阅读了一份在洛杉矶‘小唐人街’买的杂志，里头有一则是由80年代著名歌星蓝心湄的报道。她说‘作为女人，若是只活在别人的眼里和嘴里，那么就毫无魅力可言了。’天啊，这句话要是真的，那么我至今都无法吸引任何异性的青睐可能是我没有任何魅力吧！多少年来，十分在乎别人眼光，活在别人嘴里的我是那么可悲、极愚蠢的行为啊！我活‘错’了吗？但是若非如此，也许有很多我自身的‘创举’单凭我个人意志力是无法追崇寻觅得到的。由于让这句话稍微点醒了，我最近反而对身边一些‘得罪’我的人开始不耐烦，开始觉得我没有必要再看他们的脸色做事。或许我没有半点魅力可展示，然而我至少要有个性，像王菲，独树一格，做个超有个性的女人。

话说回来，很可能我的‘野心’相信常让周遭的人受不了，但这样的心态常促使我有勇气能独自面对，做一般别人不敢做的事，甚至让人望尘莫及、另眼相看吧！哈哈，这是我的assumption! 将我的野心化作人生的一种推动力，又有谁可以断定我这样的人生一定失败。嗨，想太多，这又是我的另一个缺点，还是安安稳稳地好好过生活才是最实际、才是寻求快乐的泉源...

Jogging

Time flies! Not the speed of my jogging definitely! But i never used to jog so frequently in my life and this habit of mine is actually cultivated over here right in Arizona. As i recall, it was Feb last year that i started jogging and what miserable short distances for the first few times! Alas, I am ashamed to mention it! However, after months of 'training', even if i do not jog for 2 to 3 weeks, i can still manage a 2.4 miles without stopping.

Tonight, it was a real breezy night at a fahrenheit of 54 coupled with the accompaniment of the half moon and the stars. Despite the fact that i still do not know exactly which is the north star, i still love 'browsing' across the skies once in awhile to catch the stars. Well who cares if i know the stars or not, i cannot be knowing everything in this whole wide world! One thing for sure, jogging, this little achievement of mine has kept me going and looking forward to almost every single night. This is one of the time i find peace and a relieve of stress especially during my preparation for the students' exams. Of course, there is more count to it, the fact that i slimmed down owes much credit to jogging. Yes, looking good is my motto in spite of me aging every day.

Somehow once again, tonight's jogging stimulates my bowels and i always find myself running faster and crinching at the same time when the sensation kicks in! Wonder if there are joggers out there who is in the same 'predicament' as i am! I would love to get to know them.....

迁就

目睹身边有许多迁就的例子， 有人为了让家庭幸福美满，于是迁就身边最至亲的人，就算不是自己喜欢做的事，为投其所好也好，心甘情愿也好，迁就成了无时无刻的‘工作’，无可厚非？更看到有的丈夫为迁就老婆，就算自己妻子无理取闹，也仍然笑脸迎人，能迁就多少就迁就多少，无怨无悔？谦让以后是否感情更深、两人彼此更珍惜对方？也许有人会说，这不叫迁就，这是爱、爱戴、爱护、爱惜.....什么都好，不都包括了迁就的成分吗？凡是都是各让一步，才能海阔天空嘛。

我不懂，因为我从未真正谈过恋爱，也从未有人迁就过我，我根本无法体会出自于一个情人迁就时的心情。但是我非常能理解和感受到朋友所迁就我的时刻，而且在我这一生中有无数次如此珍贵又值得思念的回忆。若不是我有家人和朋友的迁就，不会有今天的我，我无以回报，只能在脑海里如广播般反复地重播，生怕有一天我会忽然忘了还是失忆了。曾为我付出时光、精力的你们，我铭记心中，决不忘怀！只有这样，我才不会因为无法像你们迁就我那般回应你们而感到自己的不足和失落。有朝一日，我若能偿还，我会迁就。

今天

今天又起得晚，所以韦玲叫我懒猪。11点半送她到了机场。向来不善于拥抱人的我还是表现出我的‘洋派’，拥抱了乖巧可爱的文茜,然后是韦玲！顿时我们俩都不敢正视对方，是尴尬也好，也是我要飙出眼泪也好，我很快上了车便头也不回地驾走！‘憎相会 爱别离 人生怎可能尽如人意’这歌词中有多少人会有如此般的感觉，至少我从没有，我恨离别然而天下有不散之筵席，我知道人生不可能尽如人意。回想过来，曾几何时，原来我们之间的友谊已经在岁月中无形地发展了，不知道她是否当时与我感同身受。

但我很快又收拾起心情再度上路，这毕竟是我第一次一个人独自驾的那么老远回到亚利桑那。那天从家里驾到圣地亚哥也是我一人包办但回程由于没人陪我聊天，我只好啃糖让自己清醒。驾了大约260多英里后，我昏昏欲睡，几度差点想随便找个地方在车里打盹一会儿。后来还是坚持到了Yuma,才吃汉堡王作为午餐，那时已经是2点半了，肚子不饿但胃口很好。休息半小时左右，灌了咖啡又再度飙上高速公路直奔到Goodyear。对自己很满意，因为我只在这5个小时内歇息了一次，而且一路几乎超过全程的一半我都飙上95英里，碰到几辆警车，不过还好有惊无险！

无可避免的，我精神上和身体已经无法再支撑下去。回到家，第一件事便是想要睡觉，晚餐也不想吃。谁料到，车库里的水箱竟然破了个洞，地上已经有一滩水，眼看‘事态’不妙，便立刻给屋主摇了个电话，睡觉计划就这样被破坏了。还好，屋主果然万事通，样样会修理，半小时内一切搞定。

9点多煮了粥来吃，忽然觉得很寂寞，这两周来都有韦玲和女儿陪我吃饭，今天我又打回原形了。这是我要的生活吗？我能一辈子独自过活吗？也许我根本别无选择，我是应该尽我的本能勇敢活下去，比我遭遇不幸的大有人在，这样想，我一定会好过些......

surfer in ocean beach.AVI

a surfer surfing on mar09 in ocean beach of san diego, impressive cos the water is very cold

walking in heaven.AVI

Walking down Ocean Beach Fishing Pier in San Diego. So foggy that Catherine said we are like in heaven.

If only life can be like this

As i was strolling down the ocean beach fishing pier today in san diego, i have this sudden urge to come and settle here. I have always and kept telling myself that i am so fortunate to be able to tour this country whenever i have a break from my teaching. The scenic drive was like those winding roads in san francisco, cram yet exhilarating. 

Today is Wednesday, yet there is quite a substantiate number of people strolling on the beach and the pier. There were also a handful of surfers all clad in their wet suits riding on the waves. Having treaded on La Jolla beach this morning, i believe the waters is about 10 deg celsius here in ocean beach. How i wish i was one of them surfing on the strong and powerful waves of the mighty pacific ocean.

Due to the foggy weather today, the pier looks almost like the pathway to heaven, Catherine said. It is romantic and no wonder couples embraced themselves on the pier, soaking in a world of their own. Though we could not see far with the thick fog, we still enjoyed the walk on the pier and find our own peace within, for which, makes me ponder about life. Many times we do not know what lies in front of us, we thought the fog will disperse by late afternoon but it didn't. Somehow i didn't feel disappointed because we see a different view and perhaps even the people who went there could be feeling the same as we would. I would love to come back to the beaches of san diego, this could be because Singapore too have the similar beaches, i guess i am missing the sea again. Life is unexpecting, i have many memories and some are really tormenting and some makes me appreciate for what life is meant to be. Yes, if only life can be what i am doing now, to see the beaches and stroll down the pier with no qualms of worries or troubles, just peace...if only....

写

有人告诉我很喜欢看我的博客，我竟然有网迷？！！太不可思议了！很多时候，写写东西，抒发自己的情感，偶尔卖弄文笔，偶尔只纯粹为了好玩，甚至是跟上潮流。

因为有人看，有人关心，有人哪怕只瞧一眼，都能激发我再继续写。

双鱼座的我是浪漫主义者，而且是浪漫得无可救药！然而这个世界并不是梦幻，我常常不得不向世人低头，得脚踏实地。可能我这样的追随导致我无法找到我的真爱，也更加无法让我有勇气去说给以前的他：你可能是我的唯一。生命中的过客有太多太多，甚至有时一个曾经为你出生入死的朋友到头来也只是在我人生中擦肩而过，多悲哀，多无奈呀！我不需要更多的过客，我需要的是永恒的朋友，永久的爱情！咳，老天现在对我可说是不刻薄了，为什么感觉好像难如登天？缘分可遇不可求，曾经拥有，难道真不能天长地久？这样的想法真的是贪心，是奢望吗？

也许就是这世界的无绝对，才能勾画出这么色彩斑斓、绚丽夺目的人生，好让像我如此般不知足的家伙有所梦想、有所追求。或许我也可以在这短短的生命中注入了一些让人刮目相看的片断。所以只要有人阅，便有我不断地编。

忘不了

过去不是一切都不堪回首的，至少我能借助以前的种种来警戒自己不再从犯。刚才跑步时，风涛涛，我忽然想起以前很喜欢挂在嘴边的话：“情缘的遇合如此微妙  无需排演和记忆 便使两颗心不期而遇” 尤记得那时的我很喜爱收集书签，这段话就是从我很多收藏中的书签看到的。美慧，如果你看到这一段，你一定会暗笑，笑我这傻女人，又在故作浪漫，故作深情款款，blur like sotong 吧？
想一想，这书签跟了我有20年之久了！我没把它带来美国，但这话仍然‘管用’，仍旧烙印在我脑海。其实，我还在等待这些话灵验，不知要等多久，或许我永远也等不到，那我的人生算不算白活呢？愈想愈觉得这话似乎是童话，现实生活不是梦幻。
还是实际点的好，我得把精神放在事业上，至少机会不会如此渺茫，那么遥不可及吧。时光飞逝，再不好好充实自己，还有多少时间让我来蹉跎，来磨蹭.....把握现在，展望未来，迈向每天的挑战！人生得意需尽欢,莫使金樽空对月......

Courage

That night as i watched 'Nim's Island', there was one part of the script that i can relate to. Nim asked her father,"What is courage?" "He said courage is the something that you learn and relearn in your life to do the things you want."

I have no lack of very encouraging friends who said that i am very courageous to live the way i am living now. Perhaps what i have is simply impulsiveness and a stubborn belief that i can overcome anything in this world!

Yet, for all those years when awareness sets in, something i have never had the courage to do is to tell those that i loved, "i have loved you all this time, did you ever notice me?" Is it because i have always shown my independency so much so that no one noticed that i need to be protected, i need to be showered with care and concern, that i am not as courageous as what i have portrayed. It's my own fault, actually, because opening up to people is not what i have always believed in and do, not even to the dearest people around me. Swallowing pain and sorrow seemed to be my forte a long time.

Yes, i still lack the courage to do alot of things. I am still learning or perhaps relearning, thinking and rethinking, to truly act upon my thoughts of especially what i should do in the near future or even tomorrow. Alas, am at LOSS again!

Life is too short for me to procrastinate and time will never stand still in terms of happiness. To unseal the 'courage' within me, it has got to be me...somehow...

压抑

压抑情感这回事，我不止做了一次，打从我懂事以来，我不断在压抑。即使是面对自己喜欢的人，不管多么多么喜欢对方也从来不说出来。我很怕受伤害，怕自己配不上.....

有时候被人的话伤害了，我也依旧忍着不驳，多少的不平与愤怒总深深埋藏于心中，生怕得罪人。可能这样太长久了，促使我始终不敢正面地表现出我真实的一面。我何苦这样对待自己？

现在我已经渐渐步入不惑之年，却比以前更加‘疑惑’，真是啼笑皆非！或许老天能帮帮我，让我寻得知音，解除我心中之惑吧，我不想一再一再地压抑自己的情感，真的不想了......

Thursday, September 06, 2007 待飞的心

这是那年写的博克：

扪心自问，现在的教育制度也不完全是毫无可取的，至少它造就了我，引发了我现在的思想，懂得质问这个制度吧! 再过三个月我就能暂告这个恼人的教育制度，随心所欲，为所欲为，放浪无忌！随心所欲，为所欲为，放浪无忌......咳！我是痴人说梦话，自欺欺人啊！到了美国，我还是得向新加坡人报到，改变得了个鬼制度！最值得安慰的是，我真的能摆脱批改大批大批的作业和作文。上天果然在保佑我.....

什么鸟不拉屎的地方，我偏要到那拉拖大屎去，而且是人屎！越是泼冷水的家伙，嘿嘿，肯定是吃不到葡萄，吃我的甘醋！傻人有傻福，我不就是个例子吗？我就活得好好的，他日发光辉，让你们跌破眼镜！

有好些人说我笨，说我悲观，我默认，我的确不聪明，然而我就是不可能释怀，不知时间久了，我这个常得失忆症的家伙可否随即而淡忘呢？不，我可以原谅但不会忘记！纵使再好的朋友难道就有权利这么批判我吗？ 阅览了好几个老师的blog，我觉得他们更悲观！这或许是我这个傻人的个人见解吧，因为真的很难见到所有的postings全是有关快乐的经历或事。 若是这样，这便不是人生！

What am i supposed to do?

又要面对可能改变我一生的抉择！该如何衡量？内心好多的挣扎，这次做的决定会有怎样的结果，没人能告诉我。

 

To have a choice to stay in US, I guess there will be some who would say, "What are you thinking about? Stay lah!" But this will mean I would not be able to see my beloved family and friends for another 2 years. 两年说长不长，说短不短，一个人独自地过，并非易事。The worst is to face everything here alone is not a mean feat, sometimes i just hated to bother others and to let others think that i am lousy for not being able to handle things on my own. Loneliness is sometimes so so hard to bear, i know i won't die from it, 可是眼泪却不听使唤，心在抽噎. 这决定我绝对不能后悔，遗憾总会有的但我不能后悔。

最近比较烦

现在好希望有人对我说：“我比你更烦！”那么我的烦恼就一定显得微不足道，不足为题了！（我的确很自私吧！）

每天告诉自己要‘寻开心’，但是却只一味地想，没有半点行动! 天啊，我真是大白天说梦话......‘被动是不可能得到幸福的’，这句话真该如此吗？难道没有转机，没有奇迹？

那么守得云开见月明又如何来？

看来我是‘寻烦扰’啊......