暗恋

好像每到春季，我就失眠，习以为常，本也不该有什么怨言；偏偏正要入睡时却又不受控制地回想往事。那天看了台湾偶像连续剧后就泛起了一些联想。戏本来就是戏，我的人生绝对不会像剧中的女主角--灰姑娘遇上白马王子那样，然后永远幸福地过着生活。哈哈，别说是白马王子，就是瘸马王子我想也轮不到我啦！

此时此刻，我又不由自主地想起初学院时同班的他。

说真的，我已经忘了他叫什么名，可是他的模样我并没忘。如果现在让我遇到他，而且他没变的话，我一定认得他。他让我心动的那一天的情景，我历历在目。回想起来，我忍不住发笑，也不怕说给任何人听。他不是十分英俊，绝不是言承旭那种（我喜欢这个台湾偶像演员，有些傲气、坏坏的感觉），但他就是有那股逼人的帅气可使得周边的女同学都像蜜蜂扑向花般被他所吸引。当然我这个丑小鸭也偷偷地对他投以爱慕的眼光。

有一回，我们在实验室里做化学实验，笨手笨脚兼白目的我就是无法将两种化学成分的液体混合好，失败了几次后便不禁自怨自艾。旁边的男同学对我无动于衷，而就在我正懊恼的当儿，他从我桌后静悄悄地走过来，一言不发地将我其中一个化学液体管子上的夹子往下一挪，液体受到控制后，自然滴率也就随着慢下来，混合液体的变化开始恢复常规，实验成功了！我顿时羞得满脸通红，这么简单的实验，但因为由我这个‘粗枝大叶’的笨女孩来搞自然没什么镐头！（所以初二时我放弃修化学改为修读物理）他只对我浅浅一笑便转身走回他的座位，而我只能对他更增添了多一份仰慕。我的模样十足像个乡巴佬，不丑也土死了（如今的我不时髦但是觉得比以前好一些啦），所以没有男生敢接近我，碰上这等事觉得好羞愧，而他竟不用我开口就来帮我，当年才17岁的我是情窦初开的年龄，我当然轻易堕入爱河；现在回想起来，我却实在受不了当时的自己，怎么那么可笑！

然而我无法向他表态因为围在他身边的女生也不是泛泛之辈，各有各的美貌，更有的是班上的优秀生，她们才貌双全，我拿什么去跟这些女生争，也只能默默暗恋他两年。他应该算是我暗恋对象为时最长的一个吧！

如果有一天我再遇到他，我会笑着对他说：“唉，对不起，忘了你的名了，但是想要告诉你，谢谢你在21年前帮我完成那次的化学实验！还有，让你今天快乐一下，我在初一时就很仰慕你了而且是两年之久哦！但是你记得我是谁吗？”当然他如果已经有了家庭，九成会有啦，这些话也只能在这里说了.....

童话是儿童的话语，与现实是挂不上勾的。

Yesterday

Yesterday was my birthday and for the first time of my life, i find the true meaning of health. Was teaching halfway before my eyes swelled to the point that my primary one kids were quite reluctant and awkward to look me in the eyes or face. I know i look hideous and that i was allergic to this medicine ibuprofen. So a kind parent offered to bring me to the air base medical centre to have a look at my illness. Well, as usual, the clinics is reputed to close at the official time and will not give a minute more to anyone. So she drove me to the nearby hospital emergency instead! Gosh, i never thought i need to go to an emergency room again so soon since the time i did 3 years ago at Changi hospital due to a fish bone stuck in my throat.

Well, so today i call off my lessons in case any of my pupils will catch on my flu disease. I had always been in good health and i tried very hard to maintain this for my stay here in US. Afterall, i am alone when i am sick and i have only myself to depend on to get myself on the road again. So confident was i that i will not succumb to this viral flu that is going around since i have survived it for the past 2 years. No, heaven forbids, i have to admit defeat to it on my last year stinct here. Then again, a few parents were so nice to bring me food and herbal tea, that took away some of my sickness blues.

My birthdays would usually end up with me having exams in my younger days and now being a teacher for so many donkey years, i would end up setting exam papers for the students. I had a roaring birthday last year with Jenny and Jessica celebrating with me though but this year, i had no one, just the sickness and the hospital detol smell! I am filled with gratitude that at least i did have a birthday slam to reminensce upon. Friends these days come and go, i know i will meet new friends and possibly have a blasting time. Concievably then they may, whoosh, suddenly be gone, big time. Those whom once i thought cared for me, will we ever meet again and talk about old times and forget all the betrayals? I would never know and perhaps it is good not to know so as to move forward in life... 

力不从心

这几天身体不适，每天的精力只足够熬过教书的时间。为此，也替自己找了借口而贪睡，没去健身班或瑜伽课。由此我便不敢在镜子面前招得太久或是站在秤量机上看那可怕的数字上升，免得庸人自扰。

两天前看了‘过期’早报的一则报道，标题是《教我如何喜欢华文？》，感触良多。

作者是一名中学老师，教的是中四高级华文班而且是爱华文的学生。只是他感叹中四会考的形式只能培养出考得好成绩的学生但不能’考‘出爱华文的学生。感同身受呀！远在美国教书的我更觉得教导这群因耳濡目染而极受美国文化影响的新加坡学生更是累！除了’美化‘的影响之外，基本上现在的孩子娇生惯养，碰上稍微不如意或困难的时候就只知道打退堂鼓，举白旗投降。当然我也知道就算人在新加坡，他们也同样排斥华文，江山易改，本性难移嘛！

不管我多么擅长讲故事也好，费尽心思想出各种有趣的游戏，学生听完后，游戏结束后，还是会当着你的面泼冷水。华文课好闷啊，作文好难写啊，我不知道老师你在说什么.....这些话怎能叫我教得不沮丧，不刺痛我的心啊！咳，真的，教了这么多年，越来越力不从心。

Walking is never easy

Have always thought that the simplest exercise to do is walking. Eversince i started to trek and hike, the definition of 'walking' is no longer a simple term of lifting your feet and taking a step forward. The strenous hike i ever did was in Nepal back in 2006, then comes the 12mile hike to Colorado river in Grand Canyon. Some friends told me that they are satisfied with just 'seeing' the scenery at the lookout points. For me, the more hikes i did, the more i want to get to see the 'best' scenes or artifacts or monument there is at the end of the 'road'.

If i had not pressed on to the Delicate arch in the Arches National park, i would have just be satisfied with a lookout point of the 'teeny-weeny' sight of the arch way off on the mountain. Then again, the trail is really not suited for the weak hearted or the 'non-walker'. Now that i have reached and even walked underneath this arch, all the panting and huffing of the 4.8km trail is really worth it, plus not forgetting the slip on the frozen snow path at the switchbacks and fear of falling off the cliff. Mother nature is created in such a way that it seems we need to work for it in order to get the ultimate glimpse, as in the case of me doing the crazy hike in Grand Canyon just to touch the Colorado river and to stand under the Delicate arch.

To quench my thirst for seeing more in a different view from the usual travellers seems to be never ending now. At times, a part of me wished that i have consented to extend teaching in US for 2 years instead of one but i know i need to move on. This world is never enough...

quote of the day

When you give your trust to a person, you are giving a chance for that person to betray and hurt you some day...

我很‘忙’

不敢在这新的一年里许下任何的愿望，可能是最近比较‘忙’，所以没‘闲暇时间’许愿。我总觉得自己没有前几任Peace Carvin II华文补习老师的‘福分’，我的学生似乎在每个新年里都有增无减，不知是我教书‘高明’还是看管中心生意兴隆？但是若没有这些孩子们，我这个陈老师在亚利桑那这浩瀚之洲哪里有立足之地呢！得反省反省一下，在新加坡教书的日子更苦啦，比上不足比下有余，人比人气死人，我又忘了知足！

以往常告诫自己千万要扩大生活圈子，要学会搞好人际关系，要设法将自己的人气指数提高...... 然而不知是人到中年了，性情‘大变’，就是无法让自己撕下脸皮去主动与人社交，扮清高其实也并非俺的本色。这个‘扩大生活圈子’的愿望是奢望，今年别许，可是真的想要多一两个朋友，尤其是美国朋友。咳！很矛盾...

常常‘提笔’写博客时会偏向怨言、似哲理非哲理或是方言所说的‘有或无有’的东西。想一想，我在这里的旅游经验都‘荒废’了，没把遇到的怪人或啼笑皆非的事给好好地记录下来，实在有枉此行啊！也许我应该在这2010年里撬开记忆库把往日作为旅者的趣闻丑事都一一给写下来，娱己娱人。（话又说的太早，我很忙哩，加上记忆衰退，还是别给自己压力，有空才想这些东西吧！）heehee...

First day of year 2010

This is the first time i spend my New Year alone. But even if i were to be in Singapore, i would likely be by the tv because basically i hate crowds. Sometimes i realize my friends have a way with their words which really warms my heart. That day when i reported to a few that i have arrived safely back to Arizona, to my surprise, Peggy and Eleanor responded almost immediately. What peggy had always mentioned to me is that I will always be missed or remembered fondly by many in Singapore. Such caring and thoughtful words melt my heart.

There is something which i always seemed to forget to ask of my friends that: What do you see in me that makes you want to keep me as a friend? What was your first impression of me? Not that i would change my personality or character if i had the answers but i am always on the move of becoming a better person. Despite my impulsiveness and carelessness, all my shortcomings are accepted by these long-time friends that i would really want to change for the better so as to be worthy of their friendship. Mr Tan SH's generosity is something that i wish i can return soonest possible too.

Was glad that i was on the early flight back to arizona, this will 'hinder' any friends to send me off! Though i know mum cried already that morning in the house and i could see she and my sis missed me badly when sending me off. Afterall, we had been living together since i was born, 骨肉相连，how not to be sad that we are more than 9100 air miles away?

By the time i returned to singapore this december which is something i really look forward to. Hopefully all my friends will not chuck me aside...

So who says teachers aren't tactful?

What a teacher says and what he/she really means.

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
Really means: He was caught cheating on a test.

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and vitability.
Really means: The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes.

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
Really means: He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
Really means: The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all quarter.

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
Really means: The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
Really means: Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
Really means: Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument.

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
Really means: He's a bully.

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
Really means: Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
Really means: She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
Really means: He must have written the Whiner's Guide.

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
Really means: Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade.

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
Really means: A mouth that never stops yacking.

So who says teachers aren't tactful?

Stronger?

I thought i would be stronger and will no longer tear until i dropped Eleanor at the pheonix international airport. Afterall we are going to meet again real soon for my return home trip is just a few days later. However, slight trickle of tears still skimmed past my eyebrows whilst i was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway back to home. I was real weary after our long trip from seattle and have caught a slight usual winter flu. Maybe my whole emotional affair is just a wallow of self-pity that i would be alone again. Sometimes i am afraid i will not pull through my stint in the states and would even dreamt that i cannot keep my head held high when i return to hometown for good.

On the other hand, i was afraid that with each depart, i would no longer feel the 'unwillingness to part' because that would mean i am turning cold-blooded. So perhaps all the emotional turns are good signs, i am still human after all.

Oak Creek 17 Oct 09

Oak Creek, Coconino national forest, Arizona

淡淡的秋天情怀

1. “故作浪漫”的老毛病又再度复发，我这“绝症”总在我独处时、或是观赏凄美爱情影片时又神不知鬼不觉地来到我心中。其实秋天是生命来到了垂死挣扎，将要暂告的季节；我不是农夫，所以不懂得体会丰收。

2. 我又再度实现自己为自己许下的诺言，很有满足感，甚至感到世上无难事，只要慧群肯去动手做！嗤！只是又去山谷里徒步去了，有什么好炫耀的！故作玄虚？我想我可能不能孤独太久，也许我真的需要另一个与我有相同兴趣，臭味相投的伴侣。

1. 那部凄美的爱情电影刻画的是一个警探和验尸官的故事。验尸官得了罕见的头痛症，甚至会丧命的那种。警探和她探查的那宗案子就发生在一块印第安人的圣地中，那里藏了一具数百年来的印第安人化石，同时也找到了治疗不治之症的秘方。她深信在那一块印第安人数百年的传统医疗法和圣地才可以使她病好。这药方有五大要求：其一，水；其二，陶瓷碗（印第安圣人所用）；其三，神圣之地；其四，爱情；其五，爱你的人必须牺牲自己。是的，最后警探拔抢了，验尸官的头痛症烟消云散。

2.如果找到的伴侣跟我日子久了，把我看腻了可能不再疼惜我，也可能离我而另寻他欢，那我情愿还是一人。

1.他们不过认识两个星期，警探便付出他宝贵的性命好让深爱的人不再为病症而折磨，问世间能有几人做得到？那么悲凉，在这现今社会里还有人坚信这样的‘治疗法’吗？我们在忙忙碌碌地为生活而奔波时，是不是在心里的某一处其实还隐藏着旧时那种为情而生死相许的余光，只待一天被释放让后人美传。

2.我很被动，已经错过了许多‘良机’。我仍然被动，怕遭人拒绝，看来心中的他永远也不知道我的存在。

凄美的爱情故事对我只是天方夜谭，还是回到现实，好好地做好现今社会的奴隶才是真。

ColumbiaAvalon Symphony Woods, 6-8 Oct 09

Maryland, US

washington DC, 7 oct 09

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maryland Chesapeake & ohio canal 8oct09

glimpses of autumn

Maryland, US, start of autumn

The holocaust museum, DC, Oct09

This is the day when i lost my appetite for lunch, it seldom happens especially when i am on a holiday.

As i was walking from the Smithsonian metro station, Washington DC, i knew in my guts that i will make it this time to the holocaust museum. I didn't make it the day before because it closed at 3pm for which i felt is definitely 'unbecoming' of a museum. A museum, i felt, rightfully should close at 6pm for the least. I could only be grateful they will let us in at 5.20 before 'chasing' us out at 5.30pm.

As ambitious as always, i planned to visit the Air and Space museum which is nearby after this. However, i didn't make it for i spent almost 3 hours, practically reading almost every placard, signage, photograph caption and video in this museum. I never regretted it, especially when i see the descendants of the Jews and the old ladies who teared in the museum upon seeing the genocides and attrocities of war that can turn humans into heartless creatures. Though in black and white, the photographs and videos that depicts the cruelty and reality of the holocaust is haunting, it is nauseating to just think of food then even though i know it is time for lunch. When i came to the part of the infamous T4 programme instigated by Hitler where hundreds of disabled and handicapped children were all killed by poison injection so as to keep the 'purity' of the german race, i had to fight back my tears and kept 'psychoing' myself that all these killings were begone, they would have rest in peace by now after 66 years. 

Luckily i was alone touring because i can spend as much time as i could in any place i want, i wouldn't want to miss this museum for anything and it had been a long time since a museum with such display can have this sort of impact on me, like what the Natural History Museum in London did ten years ago.

What disgusted me most are a few students averaging 11 to 12 who actually made a mockery of the museum's exhibits, i was looking out for the teacher to stop all these nuisance but in vain. They are definitely immature and childish to 'appreciate', the irony is, their actions spoke of more humanity than what the nazis have done to the human race. I do not know if i had studied history, will these exhibits of the holocaust be more meaningful and will it affect my feelings deeper, all i know now is i don't know will i step back into this museum again if i ever have the chance.

普通的苹果树 不普通的快乐

上周六大清早到Oak Creek公园,靠近Sedona 去徒涉。那儿由于高山峻岭，因而景色有异于Sedona，比较酷似寒带地区的景致，虽然这个公园处在亚利桑那---这沙漠之洲较北部的地域，但只需从Sedona多驾半小时左右便到达。

那天早晨的徒步令我流连至今，时不时回想所见所触的都让我回味无穷。尤其是在徒涉时，看到那一排排苹果树和即将成熟的苹果更让我童心未泯，雀跃万分！虽然这不是我第一、不是第二，也不是第三，自己其实也已记不得是第几次看到苹果树，但因为生长在热带国家的我不像在美国生活的人，随时随地便能轻易地看到寒带果树，所以一旦让我看到不是在超级市场摆卖而是‘活生生’地长在树上的苹果，我就有种难以形容的兴奋！

大自然带给我的何止是满足，何止是普通的快乐！

小孩子要是看到这些苹果树会有我这般开心吗？如果我还是个孩子，我非常肯定我会毫不犹豫地爬上树并采摘果实，送入口中，大块朵颐！毕竟我非小孩，尽管心里真的很想很想这么做，可是我在意旁观者的目光，也只能裂开嘴傻笑和拍拍照，寻求另一种让人看得入眼及得体的表现。成人不是不懂得满足好奇心，而是像我这样，满足这好奇心驱使的背后有时却有更大的空虚---我竟没有勇气拔下一颗，尝一尝那野生苹果的滋味，要不闻一闻也好，真是失败！或许是教书日子太久，以身作则、正正经经，束缚着我在别人面前的这些‘做人规则’，让我本是‘放浪形骸’的个性一直隐藏着，其实自从踏入这行我就没有完全的自由，一种放纵放任自己的自由。

下一次，下一回，如果还有机会，我会再度重游，尤其是收获的季节里，看看那里是否在秋天时别有一番滋味，哪怕到时我将会孤身前往，我也要打起勇气去跋山涉水，去看看那些苹果树是不是会再度给我带来与众不同快乐与满足的心绪.....

又哭了

“坚强！振作！”这些字眼一直都在我脑海中。其实我怕孤独，我需要朋友常在我身边，但是当有人在我身旁时，我却又希望自己是一个人。我真的真的不知道自己到底要的是什么。

以前我从来没有流过这么多眼泪，如今我的生活那么安逸，不愁吃不愁穿，可是眼泪总是轻易地如水龙头般即开即流，而只需要让我看到一点伤心或伤感的戏或故事便一触即发，不听使唤地流泪。我怕在别人面前流泪，因为我总觉得落泪是懦弱的表现；如果家人看到，一定取笑我，况且我已经老大不小。

现在一点小事就足以让我‘朝思暮想’：那晚Jess说她听到Ben告诉她一些有关我和他的事，我叫她不要告诉我是什么事，其实我在逃避，我很想知道但是我怕，我不敢面对，原来我在每个人面前竟藏不住我的情感，我太失败，彻底失败！当晚我真想立刻打电话找Johns,问他为什么把我对他说的话说给CP！ 然后这些话又传到Ben和Jen，再传至Jess。都过了那么久，为什么他们还不断说我的闲话！我真的错信Johns, 把他当朋友，什么都说给他知道，他却如此信口开河，轻言传开，他一定是把我当笑柄！我为什么一错再错？为什么这么轻易相信人？我的弱点就是太容易心软，全世界的人如果都是我的朋友，我会很开心！所以只要对我有所关心，对我好，我便不由自主地会把他当朋友，什么都说给他听。 那么愚蠢、那么天真、那么没脑！我不甘心，我怕John把我告诉他的秘密都说给别人听，我好想警告他，但是我要怎么说，huiru不简单，若向她老公兴师问罪，万一处理不好，又是我的不对，他们俩不容易应付啊！我不能问Jess到底他们又传了什么事，因为我要面子，我需要维护我只剩下的那么少的尊严。

如果我有男朋友，也许这一切就不会发生。到底我有什么问题，为什么没有男人看上我，从年轻到现在，我真的那么令人讨厌？blog, 你能明白吗？我需要朋友，可是我找不到！如今又老又丑，更加难找好友！

不行，不能再这样恨这么多人，我只能默默地哭泣，只能独自忍气吞声，只能自怜.....

一个人住的的确确可以放声地哭，哭完后我就会似乎有所解脱。没人会知道原来成日把‘坚定、刚强’挂在面孔上的我是那么可悲和可笑的！blog，想不到你就是我的知己！

看到我现在有的

就是看了几则报章的报导后，有两个记者写的主题有些类似，‘看到你现在所拥有的，而不是去看你失去或不能得到的东西，这样你才会得到幸福。’让我在好多个晚上在脑海中自然而然便冒出来的句子。

我承认我野心有时很‘勃’，像前晚我到基地去参与空军部队预庆新加坡44周年国庆，我主动地与许多只是片面之缘的人打交道。这举动对我而言简直是难如登‘山’（因为还不至于登‘天’这么难！），这可说不是慧群的作风，因为我自封自己是至少有百分之60患有自闭症的人。我想我那天晚上最得意的‘交友’之箭便是落在一个与我有类似相同兴趣--徒涉运动的新成员，Jean。然而我们‘八字还未一瞥’，我想我还是保守一些，可能她不一定喜欢我这种既冲动、啰嗦又鲁莽的女人吧！成人交友都多了份戒心，就是没有小孩那么敢爱敢恨，其实我多想年轻20岁，回到潇洒的青春时期，从头来过！要不就是像一位诗人所写的：离开地球一会儿，然后再回来重心开始。 多好的意境啊！

过去已成过去，虽然惋惜曾经与一些人近乎每天朝夕相对而后来却音信全无, 你我都有心病，终究不能成为密友，但是事实上，真正的朋友是不需要每天共处一室的，只要心中还惦记着、挂念着就已足矣。即使将来擦肩而过如同陌路人，那又如何？日子照样地过.....我这一生交往过的朋友虽不少，但是能否维持长久到与我晚年仍保持联络的会有几个，我不敢妄想。我心里真的很希望找到，至少能找到一个这样的好友，那该有多好！

’看到我现在有的’好像对我这个什么都想学，什么都想要做的人是不是太少了？爱神的箭从来没有向我射来，是不是意味着我如今过的太安逸，不需要这份刺激的包袱呢？我不需要轰轰烈烈的爱情，就像大部分的人平平淡淡的恋情也一样令人羡慕。

友情爱情有都好，没有也罢！活着就是一种幸福，这些记者说得没错，‘看到你现在有的，没有的就别去看吧！’不知是不是单身及孤独太久，老是胡思乱想，我真的是无可救药， 哈哈....我要享受自由，因为难能可贵，不是每个人都有的！

看报纸

老弟从新加坡帮我运来了一些《联合早报》和《我报》的报刊，我每天吃早餐时便拿来详读。曾记得很久以前，大概有12年之久了吧！曾与Peggy，Kim她们到印尼巴淡岛游玩，我们的导游是印尼华侨。她说以前她的父母一到新加坡旅游一定会买中文报，为了能珍藏华文报刊（当时印尼是反华的），他们故意用报纸来包裹东西，那么就不会引起机场检察官的注意。回到家里后，两老便小心翼翼地将报纸一张一张地重新整理，看到父母如此宝贝那些报纸，似乎想咀嚼里头的每一个文字，在她小小的心灵中留下了难以抹面的印象，她决心要学好华语。她每天都收看新加坡电视台的节目，记得当时她比我们还更清楚新加坡演员的名字和演出的戏呢！她庆幸如今他们终于可以‘大大方方’‘公开’庆祝华人的传统节日和学习华文。我忽然能感同身受，好怀念以前翻阅报纸，闻到报纸印刷上的味道，以及与家人抢看报纸的那段时光。面对着我现有的几分报纸，我竟舍不得一口气把它们看遍，我甚至将喜欢的一些报导给剪下来，或收藏或出些习题让我的学生做一做，嘻嘻，我算不算有职业病，还是敬业乐业呢？

虽然科技发达，网上阅报或许已成为许多现代人的习惯。像我这般爱翻开纸张，享受手指缝中触摸报纸质感来刺激“阅读报章”感官的人倒是大有人在。以前在新加坡搭地铁，箱子里就见得挺多人‘拼命’看报，但不知是看报还是怕接触他人厉瑞的眼光。毕竟城市人多，大家需要个人的空间，挤得像沙丁鱼时就是很不自在，报纸便是‘遮挡’及‘隔离’的好工具。所以我的这个嗜好还不至于算是“食古不化”吧。

 

alive

The experience of crying for almost every episode of a TV show seems ridiculous until I watched ' One Litre of Tears'- a short Japanese drama introduced to me by Catherine. Based on true accounts of a 15-year old girl, who at the prime of her teen period, is unfortunately diagnosed with an incurable and rare disease- spinocerebellar degeneration. This disease will result in a person to not being able to walk, talk or eat in time, though with still a conscious mind for the least.

Never knew that such a cruel disease ever existed and that somehow when it happens, the disease usually finds its victim on the youth. As the drama unfolds, the main character, Aya, sees an active and athletic youth transforming to one who can on longer walk, I cannot help but cry buckets of tears. My empathy or sympathy with the 'degeneration' of her health increases with each episode. I simply cannot imagine a young girl like her can 'face' the disease with such great optimistism, for which if this should happen to me, i would likely have taken arsenic.

My tears are mostly shed for the strength she exhibited during her fight with the disease, perhaps even more when the warmth and care of her family and friends is showered upon her. The part where her high school classmates sang the song that she once took on stage with them on the day she decided to go to a disability school brings my streams of tears flowing again, these tears almost came to the point of 'gushing' out of my small eyes. As the story is based upon Aya's diaries till the day when she can no longer hold a pen, this episode unveils her writing: i awoke and i am truly happy, happy to be just alive. Alive...

Being alive each day is a gift and to give a smile or a caring gesture to those who always stand by you is even more of a great gift. Learning to treasure the littlest of all and being appreciative for what i have and for who i am, i owe it to Aya to rethink how insignificant and unfounded for some of my past troubles and worries were......