Oak Creek 17 Oct 09

Oak Creek, Coconino national forest, Arizona

淡淡的秋天情怀

1. “故作浪漫”的老毛病又再度复发，我这“绝症”总在我独处时、或是观赏凄美爱情影片时又神不知鬼不觉地来到我心中。其实秋天是生命来到了垂死挣扎，将要暂告的季节；我不是农夫，所以不懂得体会丰收。

2. 我又再度实现自己为自己许下的诺言，很有满足感，甚至感到世上无难事，只要慧群肯去动手做！嗤！只是又去山谷里徒步去了，有什么好炫耀的！故作玄虚？我想我可能不能孤独太久，也许我真的需要另一个与我有相同兴趣，臭味相投的伴侣。

1. 那部凄美的爱情电影刻画的是一个警探和验尸官的故事。验尸官得了罕见的头痛症，甚至会丧命的那种。警探和她探查的那宗案子就发生在一块印第安人的圣地中，那里藏了一具数百年来的印第安人化石，同时也找到了治疗不治之症的秘方。她深信在那一块印第安人数百年的传统医疗法和圣地才可以使她病好。这药方有五大要求：其一，水；其二，陶瓷碗（印第安圣人所用）；其三，神圣之地；其四，爱情；其五，爱你的人必须牺牲自己。是的，最后警探拔抢了，验尸官的头痛症烟消云散。

2.如果找到的伴侣跟我日子久了，把我看腻了可能不再疼惜我，也可能离我而另寻他欢，那我情愿还是一人。

1.他们不过认识两个星期，警探便付出他宝贵的性命好让深爱的人不再为病症而折磨，问世间能有几人做得到？那么悲凉，在这现今社会里还有人坚信这样的‘治疗法’吗？我们在忙忙碌碌地为生活而奔波时，是不是在心里的某一处其实还隐藏着旧时那种为情而生死相许的余光，只待一天被释放让后人美传。

2.我很被动，已经错过了许多‘良机’。我仍然被动，怕遭人拒绝，看来心中的他永远也不知道我的存在。

凄美的爱情故事对我只是天方夜谭，还是回到现实，好好地做好现今社会的奴隶才是真。

ColumbiaAvalon Symphony Woods, 6-8 Oct 09

Maryland, US

washington DC, 7 oct 09

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maryland Chesapeake & ohio canal 8oct09

glimpses of autumn

Maryland, US, start of autumn

The holocaust museum, DC, Oct09

This is the day when i lost my appetite for lunch, it seldom happens especially when i am on a holiday.

As i was walking from the Smithsonian metro station, Washington DC, i knew in my guts that i will make it this time to the holocaust museum. I didn't make it the day before because it closed at 3pm for which i felt is definitely 'unbecoming' of a museum. A museum, i felt, rightfully should close at 6pm for the least. I could only be grateful they will let us in at 5.20 before 'chasing' us out at 5.30pm.

As ambitious as always, i planned to visit the Air and Space museum which is nearby after this. However, i didn't make it for i spent almost 3 hours, practically reading almost every placard, signage, photograph caption and video in this museum. I never regretted it, especially when i see the descendants of the Jews and the old ladies who teared in the museum upon seeing the genocides and attrocities of war that can turn humans into heartless creatures. Though in black and white, the photographs and videos that depicts the cruelty and reality of the holocaust is haunting, it is nauseating to just think of food then even though i know it is time for lunch. When i came to the part of the infamous T4 programme instigated by Hitler where hundreds of disabled and handicapped children were all killed by poison injection so as to keep the 'purity' of the german race, i had to fight back my tears and kept 'psychoing' myself that all these killings were begone, they would have rest in peace by now after 66 years. 

Luckily i was alone touring because i can spend as much time as i could in any place i want, i wouldn't want to miss this museum for anything and it had been a long time since a museum with such display can have this sort of impact on me, like what the Natural History Museum in London did ten years ago.

What disgusted me most are a few students averaging 11 to 12 who actually made a mockery of the museum's exhibits, i was looking out for the teacher to stop all these nuisance but in vain. They are definitely immature and childish to 'appreciate', the irony is, their actions spoke of more humanity than what the nazis have done to the human race. I do not know if i had studied history, will these exhibits of the holocaust be more meaningful and will it affect my feelings deeper, all i know now is i don't know will i step back into this museum again if i ever have the chance.

普通的苹果树 不普通的快乐

上周六大清早到Oak Creek公园,靠近Sedona 去徒涉。那儿由于高山峻岭，因而景色有异于Sedona，比较酷似寒带地区的景致，虽然这个公园处在亚利桑那---这沙漠之洲较北部的地域，但只需从Sedona多驾半小时左右便到达。

那天早晨的徒步令我流连至今，时不时回想所见所触的都让我回味无穷。尤其是在徒涉时，看到那一排排苹果树和即将成熟的苹果更让我童心未泯，雀跃万分！虽然这不是我第一、不是第二，也不是第三，自己其实也已记不得是第几次看到苹果树，但因为生长在热带国家的我不像在美国生活的人，随时随地便能轻易地看到寒带果树，所以一旦让我看到不是在超级市场摆卖而是‘活生生’地长在树上的苹果，我就有种难以形容的兴奋！

大自然带给我的何止是满足，何止是普通的快乐！

小孩子要是看到这些苹果树会有我这般开心吗？如果我还是个孩子，我非常肯定我会毫不犹豫地爬上树并采摘果实，送入口中，大块朵颐！毕竟我非小孩，尽管心里真的很想很想这么做，可是我在意旁观者的目光，也只能裂开嘴傻笑和拍拍照，寻求另一种让人看得入眼及得体的表现。成人不是不懂得满足好奇心，而是像我这样，满足这好奇心驱使的背后有时却有更大的空虚---我竟没有勇气拔下一颗，尝一尝那野生苹果的滋味，要不闻一闻也好，真是失败！或许是教书日子太久，以身作则、正正经经，束缚着我在别人面前的这些‘做人规则’，让我本是‘放浪形骸’的个性一直隐藏着，其实自从踏入这行我就没有完全的自由，一种放纵放任自己的自由。

下一次，下一回，如果还有机会，我会再度重游，尤其是收获的季节里，看看那里是否在秋天时别有一番滋味，哪怕到时我将会孤身前往，我也要打起勇气去跋山涉水，去看看那些苹果树是不是会再度给我带来与众不同快乐与满足的心绪.....

又哭了

“坚强！振作！”这些字眼一直都在我脑海中。其实我怕孤独，我需要朋友常在我身边，但是当有人在我身旁时，我却又希望自己是一个人。我真的真的不知道自己到底要的是什么。

以前我从来没有流过这么多眼泪，如今我的生活那么安逸，不愁吃不愁穿，可是眼泪总是轻易地如水龙头般即开即流，而只需要让我看到一点伤心或伤感的戏或故事便一触即发，不听使唤地流泪。我怕在别人面前流泪，因为我总觉得落泪是懦弱的表现；如果家人看到，一定取笑我，况且我已经老大不小。

现在一点小事就足以让我‘朝思暮想’：那晚Jess说她听到Ben告诉她一些有关我和他的事，我叫她不要告诉我是什么事，其实我在逃避，我很想知道但是我怕，我不敢面对，原来我在每个人面前竟藏不住我的情感，我太失败，彻底失败！当晚我真想立刻打电话找Johns,问他为什么把我对他说的话说给CP！ 然后这些话又传到Ben和Jen，再传至Jess。都过了那么久，为什么他们还不断说我的闲话！我真的错信Johns, 把他当朋友，什么都说给他知道，他却如此信口开河，轻言传开，他一定是把我当笑柄！我为什么一错再错？为什么这么轻易相信人？我的弱点就是太容易心软，全世界的人如果都是我的朋友，我会很开心！所以只要对我有所关心，对我好，我便不由自主地会把他当朋友，什么都说给他听。 那么愚蠢、那么天真、那么没脑！我不甘心，我怕John把我告诉他的秘密都说给别人听，我好想警告他，但是我要怎么说，huiru不简单，若向她老公兴师问罪，万一处理不好，又是我的不对，他们俩不容易应付啊！我不能问Jess到底他们又传了什么事，因为我要面子，我需要维护我只剩下的那么少的尊严。

如果我有男朋友，也许这一切就不会发生。到底我有什么问题，为什么没有男人看上我，从年轻到现在，我真的那么令人讨厌？blog, 你能明白吗？我需要朋友，可是我找不到！如今又老又丑，更加难找好友！

不行，不能再这样恨这么多人，我只能默默地哭泣，只能独自忍气吞声，只能自怜.....

一个人住的的确确可以放声地哭，哭完后我就会似乎有所解脱。没人会知道原来成日把‘坚定、刚强’挂在面孔上的我是那么可悲和可笑的！blog，想不到你就是我的知己！

看到我现在有的

就是看了几则报章的报导后，有两个记者写的主题有些类似，‘看到你现在所拥有的，而不是去看你失去或不能得到的东西，这样你才会得到幸福。’让我在好多个晚上在脑海中自然而然便冒出来的句子。

我承认我野心有时很‘勃’，像前晚我到基地去参与空军部队预庆新加坡44周年国庆，我主动地与许多只是片面之缘的人打交道。这举动对我而言简直是难如登‘山’（因为还不至于登‘天’这么难！），这可说不是慧群的作风，因为我自封自己是至少有百分之60患有自闭症的人。我想我那天晚上最得意的‘交友’之箭便是落在一个与我有类似相同兴趣--徒涉运动的新成员，Jean。然而我们‘八字还未一瞥’，我想我还是保守一些，可能她不一定喜欢我这种既冲动、啰嗦又鲁莽的女人吧！成人交友都多了份戒心，就是没有小孩那么敢爱敢恨，其实我多想年轻20岁，回到潇洒的青春时期，从头来过！要不就是像一位诗人所写的：离开地球一会儿，然后再回来重心开始。 多好的意境啊！

过去已成过去，虽然惋惜曾经与一些人近乎每天朝夕相对而后来却音信全无, 你我都有心病，终究不能成为密友，但是事实上，真正的朋友是不需要每天共处一室的，只要心中还惦记着、挂念着就已足矣。即使将来擦肩而过如同陌路人，那又如何？日子照样地过.....我这一生交往过的朋友虽不少，但是能否维持长久到与我晚年仍保持联络的会有几个，我不敢妄想。我心里真的很希望找到，至少能找到一个这样的好友，那该有多好！

’看到我现在有的’好像对我这个什么都想学，什么都想要做的人是不是太少了？爱神的箭从来没有向我射来，是不是意味着我如今过的太安逸，不需要这份刺激的包袱呢？我不需要轰轰烈烈的爱情，就像大部分的人平平淡淡的恋情也一样令人羡慕。

友情爱情有都好，没有也罢！活着就是一种幸福，这些记者说得没错，‘看到你现在有的，没有的就别去看吧！’不知是不是单身及孤独太久，老是胡思乱想，我真的是无可救药， 哈哈....我要享受自由，因为难能可贵，不是每个人都有的！

看报纸

老弟从新加坡帮我运来了一些《联合早报》和《我报》的报刊，我每天吃早餐时便拿来详读。曾记得很久以前，大概有12年之久了吧！曾与Peggy，Kim她们到印尼巴淡岛游玩，我们的导游是印尼华侨。她说以前她的父母一到新加坡旅游一定会买中文报，为了能珍藏华文报刊（当时印尼是反华的），他们故意用报纸来包裹东西，那么就不会引起机场检察官的注意。回到家里后，两老便小心翼翼地将报纸一张一张地重新整理，看到父母如此宝贝那些报纸，似乎想咀嚼里头的每一个文字，在她小小的心灵中留下了难以抹面的印象，她决心要学好华语。她每天都收看新加坡电视台的节目，记得当时她比我们还更清楚新加坡演员的名字和演出的戏呢！她庆幸如今他们终于可以‘大大方方’‘公开’庆祝华人的传统节日和学习华文。我忽然能感同身受，好怀念以前翻阅报纸，闻到报纸印刷上的味道，以及与家人抢看报纸的那段时光。面对着我现有的几分报纸，我竟舍不得一口气把它们看遍，我甚至将喜欢的一些报导给剪下来，或收藏或出些习题让我的学生做一做，嘻嘻，我算不算有职业病，还是敬业乐业呢？

虽然科技发达，网上阅报或许已成为许多现代人的习惯。像我这般爱翻开纸张，享受手指缝中触摸报纸质感来刺激“阅读报章”感官的人倒是大有人在。以前在新加坡搭地铁，箱子里就见得挺多人‘拼命’看报，但不知是看报还是怕接触他人厉瑞的眼光。毕竟城市人多，大家需要个人的空间，挤得像沙丁鱼时就是很不自在，报纸便是‘遮挡’及‘隔离’的好工具。所以我的这个嗜好还不至于算是“食古不化”吧。

 

alive

The experience of crying for almost every episode of a TV show seems ridiculous until I watched ' One Litre of Tears'- a short Japanese drama introduced to me by Catherine. Based on true accounts of a 15-year old girl, who at the prime of her teen period, is unfortunately diagnosed with an incurable and rare disease- spinocerebellar degeneration. This disease will result in a person to not being able to walk, talk or eat in time, though with still a conscious mind for the least.

Never knew that such a cruel disease ever existed and that somehow when it happens, the disease usually finds its victim on the youth. As the drama unfolds, the main character, Aya, sees an active and athletic youth transforming to one who can on longer walk, I cannot help but cry buckets of tears. My empathy or sympathy with the 'degeneration' of her health increases with each episode. I simply cannot imagine a young girl like her can 'face' the disease with such great optimistism, for which if this should happen to me, i would likely have taken arsenic.

My tears are mostly shed for the strength she exhibited during her fight with the disease, perhaps even more when the warmth and care of her family and friends is showered upon her. The part where her high school classmates sang the song that she once took on stage with them on the day she decided to go to a disability school brings my streams of tears flowing again, these tears almost came to the point of 'gushing' out of my small eyes. As the story is based upon Aya's diaries till the day when she can no longer hold a pen, this episode unveils her writing: i awoke and i am truly happy, happy to be just alive. Alive...

Being alive each day is a gift and to give a smile or a caring gesture to those who always stand by you is even more of a great gift. Learning to treasure the littlest of all and being appreciative for what i have and for who i am, i owe it to Aya to rethink how insignificant and unfounded for some of my past troubles and worries were......

长不大的孩子

看了网上早报副刊《他和她的朋友》后，不免引起我反思.....

我从未念过名校，却曾认为自己自命不凡，以为单凭我一人的力量可改变世界！这很符合此篇中‘名校出世’的一些人：有的载着满腹理想和憧憬踏入社会，成了医生、律师、会计师等‘头衔’号人物，过着安安稳稳的生活，我将他们归类称之A；有的却持着无人能理解的梦想因某些原因而幻灭，结果满腹牢骚及哀怨，我就称他们为B。

A踏入白领阶层，在新加坡享有中上层阶级的生活，拥有汽车、屋子等不愁吃不愁穿的必须条件。他们结婚、生子，也为孩子提供A水准的学习条件，在facebook中谈的是他们平日的生活、孩子、事业、打电动等平凡的事。平凡没有什么不好的。

B也照样踏入白领似的阶层，但从事的是非理想中的职业。于是愤世嫉俗、怨声载道，自然朋友逐渐疏离，结婚这等事跟他们距离是一万八千里，他们当然抱着单身主义。在facebook高谈阔论、讲评当局决策与时事，这些不平凡的谈论，也使得心情大起大落。三十四十了还冲来冲去，像一个长不大的孩子。

若将自己归类，相信我属于B, 我何尝不是一天心情大好犹如飞上天，翠日又心情跌到谷底；而且倔强得像头牛，一旦对一些事有了某种想法就坚持自己是正确的，无人能劝解。可是我绝对不能硬性地把自己完全归类为B，因为今天的我已不再向往那遥不可及的理想，也没有什么‘内涵’来高谈阔论。众人皆醉唯我独醒，有时候我是对的！我不是自大而是别人总以为我什么都不懂，我只是装不懂罢了！其他有关B的作风嘛，倒是真的，我就像个永远长不大的孩子。

Back To Teaching...... (2005)

Time flies! It's been a-year-half since I am back as a teacher! Tao Nan School is a SAP school, they said. I do not deny the kids here are more disciplined and well-behaved than the kids I taught in Pasir Ris Primary. However, I remembered having a class in Pasir Ris Primary whereby I could actually leave the class on their own for about 10 minutes with no mischief at all. So far, I have not been able to do that in Tao Nan School. Stress level is high here. When you expect a child in a gifted school will be able to do amazing stuff and 'stints' and 'stunts', I guess everyone will expect us as teachers to do wonders too! I am afraid that instead of adapting comfortably in this school, I am just coping...... If there is a chance for me to do something really different, instead of teaching and training, where I do not have to worry anymore about my bills and being a bread winner. I will not hesitate and go for it.

Bali Blues ( 9 Oct 2003)

Bali is a nice place to visit, I went there a few weeks ago with my sister.The main reason to go there is because I won the trip in a contest. Never won any contest or lucky draw stuff till recently, friends who heard are envy of me, afterall I am still luckier than them who had never won anything yet in their life. Afterall it is like one out of a million chance that you get to win anything but we just kept on trying, 4D, toto, etc......something in return which we will never need to work for. Back to Bali, the beach there doesn't beat any of those found in Phuket but still Bali has some of the friendliest people you can find. The bombing in Oct 12 last year was inhuman, the ruins are gone and is fast building up. Out on the streets around that area, I saw many poor balinese touting for business at tourists. Tourism is badly affected and less than half of the number of tourists visited Bali these days compared to the pre-bombing days. Life should be serene like those balinese living in the mountains, planting balinese rice. People are poor up there but they smile all the time, makes my day shine. A simple hello is all that the kids up in the mountains could say but 'hello' never sounded better. Balinese work hard and most are content with their simple lifestyle, we should learn to live like that. Changing our mindsets will see a reduction in the tired, glum faces 'dwelling' in MRTs and buses. When we chase for material gains, it is hard not to tread on someone else's happiness to achieve that. 9 Oct 2003

Jobless (25 sep 2003)

I do not write great poems or novelty essays. To pen thoughts down is no mean feat and I guess this happens to everyone once in a while. I am in that state...... Someone told me you need big dreams to drive yourself to success. I agree partly: we live on earth, not the moon, we all have limits. We may dream big but to reach for that peak takes time and occasionally by the time you realize "Oh, so that was my dream!", time has run out. But if I have a child, I will say, " Go for it! Think big before your age defies you!" Reality bites and is biting me hard now. I can never realize my dream now, it will always be a dream in my dreams...... Regrets and proscrastination engulf me from time to time and I know, in fact, everyone knows, these are bad. But who is there to say, I had never procrastinate, had never had any regrets. Afterall, I am a human being. The saying goes, " To err is human, to blame it on someone else is more human." I wish I can blame anyone for all my pessimistic thoughts but my left brain sends the signal that 'all these are your own doings'. Being jobless is not the end of the world, yet it is enough to create a bruise in my pride now. I wonder how I will feel if I suffer a retrenchment instead. I need more trouble waters in order to push myself to build a bridge. Yes, that's what I should do. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel......25th Sep 2003

Live amenably?

Often times, this woman does not know what she wants exactly. She always seem to be living to be amenable, perhaps sometimes trying to please everybody too much. That is why people said, "she lacks character or there is a lacklustre of charisma in her and certainly not assertive enough...." By the way, she knows her weaknesses yet she still finds herself sitting on the fence many times simply because of a simple mindset-- to be as amenable as possible. Come to think of it, just what the heck is wrong with that? If many people were to live with that mentality, then maybe, maybe this world would be easier to live in, with less conflicts and misunderstandings.

However,  'pleasing the crowd' does not seem to bring happiness to her. All she ever wanted was to live happily, so much so that if only, if she can say this piece to the people around her, "Thank you for caring about me, thank you for not always telling me what is right and what is wrong because sometimes i just need to fall to learn that lesson. I have had enough of you people telling me what to do, whom to believe and where i should go." But cowardness obstructed her each and every time she wanted to do it.

This world is full of deceit and this woman have had just ample tastes of that eversince she came to adulthood. She wished she would never have to sound so despondent but the cruelty of this society just dampen her soul every now and then.

This woman also knows that she has to learn to get rid of all these negativity thoughts and live stronger than before because she knew that the world has never and will never spin for her......

这一轮明月

Peggy，你这个朋友我真的没有白交！在我失落的时候，谢谢你的鼓励！你总是在阅览我的博客后给予我勉励的话，更不断在我发‘牢骚’的当儿开导我。

你说的没错，我何必为一些莫须有、毫无根据的话语让自己陷入泥沼中而郁郁寡欢，不能自拔！老天是怜惜笨笨愚昧的人，让我有你们这些不离不弃的老友，每时每刻都在为我担忧的家人；实实在在的你们才是我应该死守，应该把握的人儿！我不该让珍惜我、对我关怀备至的你们愁苦或挂念，我真不该！

有一点我要声明，在我写博客时，我的情绪总是多几分激昂，更有愤怒和感慨的‘搀杂’思路。别误会，我不是说我在瞎胡扯博客的内容，的的确确是有那么一回事，只是我有时言语中较夸张，尤其是在夜深人静时更是‘怨声载道’！博客在我无人能倾诉，无人能听我发牢骚时，它便是我抒发情感、让我发泄的一个管道。每每写完后，我就会反省，之后心情也会随之较平静下来。当然，我也害怕我写的东西有意无意的得罪人，时而会提醒自己要收敛一下。可能在美国有一段时日，与自己相处的时间也多了，因此博客逐渐成为我的死党，同时也让远在家乡的你们能知道我还尚在人间，见我博客也是一种安慰吧？再说，这里提倡言论自由，那么就借助这一点，让我‘自由发挥’吧。了解我的人会知我是直肠子，有的话不吐不快，憋久了会便秘的，很辛苦，所以呀请容许我，得罪人还是得说.....

也许接下来的日子，我也没什么话可对博客说了，像今天教完书后，备了一些明日的课，去了趟图书馆，到base游了个泳（今天最快乐的事），回到家吃了幸福叻沙（学生妈妈煮的，好让我缅怀国土的‘气息’！），我就真的没什么特别的事好交代了。天空正披上一帘夜幕时，一轮明月好圆好圆地悬挂此帘，此同我心，刚巧驾车回来我便忍俊不住拿了相机将明月拍了下来。优记得刚来到美国生活，以为这里的月儿比故乡浓，常常喜欢举头望明月；此时我的情怀却变了，不知是不是国庆快到，低头思故乡更甚于平日。月亮再圆，却不再像一年半前的那种体会。哈哈，怎么我猛然有这般念头，好似已出家为尼，看破红尘的感觉？我看我最近看太多古装片了......

话说回来，支持与‘拥护’我的亲朋戚友，哪怕只是在你们心坎里偶尔闪过思念我的一小段，我只想说认识你们，可谓此生无悔！

期待与老友们再度相聚一刻，故想到这里，才能让我此时黯淡的心情燃起了一缕缕的光线.....

Attachment: 且行且珍惜 伍思凯.mp3
Attachment: 白月光 张信哲.mp3

神啊，救救我吧！

原想自英国旅游回来后就写一篇游记，岂料一件莫名其妙的事又让我触动‘心灵深处’，再度跌入‘深渊’，悲从中来，游记只能暂且搁一旁。妹妹入院的事如今算告一个段落，我暂且无需再为她操心，然而谣言又经口不择言的人再度伤害到我-----说我见到男人就饥不择食！如此不堪入耳的话为何偏偏用在我身上，我千万个不解，难道亲切友善就是狐狸精？！既然如此，那么我只好作回真正的自己，冷酷无情、无动于衷。也许别人又扭转过来说我自大狂、目中无人了吧！

摆脱不了别人的‘臭嘴’，我很心寒。我虽然没有宗教信仰但是我从来没有想过害人，我只希望多些人会和我交朋友。因为我相信三人行必有我师焉，这样我必然会在摄取知识或处事待人方面有一定的进展，人生才会丰富。但是事实却恰恰与我的‘幻想'’背道而驰，越是想让自己过得平实、过的安宁，越是有人来破坏，怎么人的妒嫉心可以这么可怕，这么丧心病狂！很多时候我相信男女之间是可以有友情的，可是我一次又一次遭来闲言闲语，我是大错特错了！纯纯的友情是在小说里，并非现实生活中能觅到。假如我放聪明些，懂得带眼识人，相信我一定会躲过很多劫，不会轻易让人牵着鼻子走，轻易让人玩弄于手掌之中。如果在美国讨生活能完全靠自己，无须靠任何人，无须‘朋友’，我今天不会有这么多烦恼。难道我真的要与所有的人敌对，才可以获得平静的生活吗？我不相信神，但现在，我却想说‘神啊，救救我吧！’

Knowing somebody, knowing me

When i was young, no one taught me how to really know a person's character or personality. First impressions seemed to matter much and we were taught to be courteous and behave as a child should be. In my case, then i carried this notion with me, conforming to what the adults wanted us to be--obedient and respectful. Being naive, I have no qualms to whom i met and i trusted the whole wide world. As one grew older, you start to realize that this world is harsh and the tinge of 'cruelty in human' implants in your mindset. Well, that was what i deemed at times when i was a teenager. Reality bites as days gone by and the realization of betrayal happened from time to time. 

As an adult, when you think you know a person well, you begin to find fault, even at your own family members. Sometimes we tend to be less forgiving towards even the little minor fault of the person that you care about most. At the end of the day, we know that we have hurt each other so badly. Frankly, it is so hard to forget whoever did me wrong or the words they say that kept my nightmare going, i am still learning to forgive.....

Reaching 40 in 3 years' time, time waits for no man and i have yet to learn to know a person inside out. Sometimes i could not even tell if the person is a friend or a foe. I truly wanted to be able to trust totally to those i care, yet my past experiences deterred me from opening up. Often times, i say the things i never meant to say and hurt the people whom i never meant to hurt simply for the fact that knowing somebody is never easy for me. Do you know what i am trying to convey? Gosh, even i, am still searching for someone to tell who i really am..... 

一个人

一个人吃午饭、一个人驾车大唱情歌、一个人逛街、一个人大买特买、一个人种花、一个人游泳、一个人洗衣晾衣、一个人洗厕所再消毒（怕H1N1感冒传染）、一个人看博客吃薯片、一个人傻笑、一个人独自发呆、一个人写博客.....

一个人的坦坦荡荡、一个人的一天、一个人的生活......一个人的幸福。

一个人便是独自的孤寂，一群人如果凑在一块儿热闹，不过是各方的孤寂或隐藏或暂且未释放。其实我一个人现在这样的生活也何尝不是一种幸福，既来之则安之。

我一个人飞过半个地球来到美国，做的事对我而言已经算不少，但我却觉得我还有更多未曾踏足的地方和未经历的事，因为我一个人有时、有些真的无法一个人办到。我需要多些勇气，一个人如此过来也不能老把‘无奈’挂在心上，那么就会较容易去寻求突破。欲速则不达，从宽而行，我一个人能办到的就是得冲出自己限定的围栏，跨越障碍，遗忘曾犯下的过失、寻觅过往......

......一个人的梦

Attachment: 一个人生活 范文芳.mp3