路是我自己选的，或是说这条路是我自找的。第二度面对‘无业’生活即将来临，喝西北风时的低蘼时刻真的难熬, 我曾经历过，更不会忘记那滋味。像我这样缺乏信心的人，没了工作，我连头都很难抬起来面对，如今年纪‘一大把’的我那么丁点的自信好像也快蒸发掉了。有的人或许把无业时期当成是‘休息为了走更远的路’来看待，我其实也希望自己能拥有这么潇洒的想法。
可是我非常了解，我是在自欺欺人。
以前在美国，朋友不多反而每个周末还可以往外跑，片刻不能停，好似今天要是看不到那风景或景点，我将来就没有机会了。回到这里，我的老朋友并没有把我给忘了，有的在周末时还是会叫我出去。可是现在的我却不像在美国一样会主动的，毫不‘留情’地把朋友‘拖’出外头（当时Jean和Vijay常常工作得死去活来，我照样厚着脸皮叫他们出门）。
我现在很少笑，就算笑都好像不是打从心里发出的。我变得虚伪，很假......
这么不满足，这么提不起劲的我也让自己厌恶自己。我虽不是能干出一番大事来的人，但我想我可以做到的事应该比现在的更多，路该怎么走，我至今还未摸清。这样的我又如何去引导下一代。
不干了！ 我做对了吗？
Welcome to the sometimes nonsensical, dreaming, oops! memory fading site of KhOon. This is where I'm keeping all my stuff from now on, so come back whenever you want to see what's new. Feel free to post a reply if you see something you like or just want to get in touch. 谢谢‘光临’！欢迎随时留言。 photo link: http://picasaweb.google.com/huikhoon
6 comments:
hi hk,
it is really by fate i read ur blog this time. u are not the only one. many of us in our 30s without much or any accomplishments coupled with life's issue such as health problems, family and work etc increases compared to when we were in our 20s. many moments when my mind was troubled, stressed, depressed etc are uncountable. in our 20s we had so much less problems i am sure u agree. i also feel like a failure with regards to my life events, so many things to handle and did not handle them well, more n more things piling up in life that made u feel like u can't take it anymore, u are useless when u can't handle them, with kids, with family, work, relationships, health etc etc Yet some people our age just seem to have everything going on smoothly for them.. and we ask why. but life still goes on. sometimes i tell myself try to take one step at a time and for some things try to let go. if you are still healthy, thats the best gift u have. it might be a blessing to leave and try something else, whatever, home tuition, private education centres or a total change coz u are alone and not burdened with family responsibilities so it won't be so bad. for me i have come to the stage my life is 'tight down' 'strangled' by work n family that i can explode. that's wny i say its by fate i read ur blog after sooo long a time n reply coz my life is so bogged down with too many events that i dun even have the heart or mood to catch up with things.. lets hope things can turn out better for us..
cj
不要小看你自己.the hk i know is more capable n stronger than that. ur guts to venture out for the secondment is what many of us would not dare to. to have done it is a great step on its own n use that as a selling point when u take off on a different path. i hope its a different path n a much better one for u. when u feel enough is enough, then change it as u don't have family burdens to tie u down. unless u can continue to endure until retirement. maybe what i say is bullshit coz i have also come to a point where i can't handle my life, so what am i to tell u. i just want to say that i also feel enough is enough but i have to 为五斗米折腰!!! else i also don't want to carry on with this track.u know what i mean right.
u have a choice, u ventured before locally n abroad, so believe in urself. u want a change u can do it. it is only a matter of choosing that change correctly.
THanks alot for the encouragement, Chujuan! Just 2 days ago, i was having dinner with Siew Fang. She too like you bogged down with work, children and even the maid! She is going to take 1.5yrs no pay leave and rest! Yes, i think all of us in this mid-life crisis need a rest! Sometimes i really wonder how you all can cope with family and work! I am single and yet i cant cope with life! I just cant help but feel real useless at times... frankly i am sorry that you all have to struggle with life because of family and that i am single, i can do what i want. However i could have missed so much in life like having a life partner and children to fill the emotional gaps for which i would never know...
no its never too late. late marriages is the norm nowadays. look at huiz. she tried and after a long wait she had the kid. go for it. dun wait til u turn 50! open ur heart and get a soul mate n kids to come : ) there r so many ard our age like u around waiting for just that someone.. whether single or not is not the issue. its the work we are involved in that tkes up too much of our time n life.. cd not cope when single n now wif family it gets even tougher..... dun know if i write here cooment will be sent acr or not?? see at this time still working : (
no its never too late. late marriages is the norm nowadays. look at huiz. she tried and after a long wait she had the kid. go for it. dun wait til u turn 50! open ur heart and get a soul mate n kids to come : ) there r so many ard our age like u around waiting for just that someone.. whether single or not is not the issue. its the work we are involved in that tkes up too much of our time n life.. cd not cope when single n now wif family it gets even tougher..... dun know if i write here cooment will be sent acr or not?? see at this time still working : (
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