长不大的孩子

看了网上早报副刊《他和她的朋友》后，不免引起我反思.....

我从未念过名校，却曾认为自己自命不凡，以为单凭我一人的力量可改变世界！这很符合此篇中‘名校出世’的一些人：有的载着满腹理想和憧憬踏入社会，成了医生、律师、会计师等‘头衔’号人物，过着安安稳稳的生活，我将他们归类称之A；有的却持着无人能理解的梦想因某些原因而幻灭，结果满腹牢骚及哀怨，我就称他们为B。

A踏入白领阶层，在新加坡享有中上层阶级的生活，拥有汽车、屋子等不愁吃不愁穿的必须条件。他们结婚、生子，也为孩子提供A水准的学习条件，在facebook中谈的是他们平日的生活、孩子、事业、打电动等平凡的事。平凡没有什么不好的。

B也照样踏入白领似的阶层，但从事的是非理想中的职业。于是愤世嫉俗、怨声载道，自然朋友逐渐疏离，结婚这等事跟他们距离是一万八千里，他们当然抱着单身主义。在facebook高谈阔论、讲评当局决策与时事，这些不平凡的谈论，也使得心情大起大落。三十四十了还冲来冲去，像一个长不大的孩子。

若将自己归类，相信我属于B, 我何尝不是一天心情大好犹如飞上天，翠日又心情跌到谷底；而且倔强得像头牛，一旦对一些事有了某种想法就坚持自己是正确的，无人能劝解。可是我绝对不能硬性地把自己完全归类为B，因为今天的我已不再向往那遥不可及的理想，也没有什么‘内涵’来高谈阔论。众人皆醉唯我独醒，有时候我是对的！我不是自大而是别人总以为我什么都不懂，我只是装不懂罢了！其他有关B的作风嘛，倒是真的，我就像个永远长不大的孩子。

Back To Teaching...... (2005)

Time flies! It's been a-year-half since I am back as a teacher! Tao Nan School is a SAP school, they said. I do not deny the kids here are more disciplined and well-behaved than the kids I taught in Pasir Ris Primary. However, I remembered having a class in Pasir Ris Primary whereby I could actually leave the class on their own for about 10 minutes with no mischief at all. So far, I have not been able to do that in Tao Nan School. Stress level is high here. When you expect a child in a gifted school will be able to do amazing stuff and 'stints' and 'stunts', I guess everyone will expect us as teachers to do wonders too! I am afraid that instead of adapting comfortably in this school, I am just coping...... If there is a chance for me to do something really different, instead of teaching and training, where I do not have to worry anymore about my bills and being a bread winner. I will not hesitate and go for it.

Bali Blues ( 9 Oct 2003)

Bali is a nice place to visit, I went there a few weeks ago with my sister.The main reason to go there is because I won the trip in a contest. Never won any contest or lucky draw stuff till recently, friends who heard are envy of me, afterall I am still luckier than them who had never won anything yet in their life. Afterall it is like one out of a million chance that you get to win anything but we just kept on trying, 4D, toto, etc......something in return which we will never need to work for. Back to Bali, the beach there doesn't beat any of those found in Phuket but still Bali has some of the friendliest people you can find. The bombing in Oct 12 last year was inhuman, the ruins are gone and is fast building up. Out on the streets around that area, I saw many poor balinese touting for business at tourists. Tourism is badly affected and less than half of the number of tourists visited Bali these days compared to the pre-bombing days. Life should be serene like those balinese living in the mountains, planting balinese rice. People are poor up there but they smile all the time, makes my day shine. A simple hello is all that the kids up in the mountains could say but 'hello' never sounded better. Balinese work hard and most are content with their simple lifestyle, we should learn to live like that. Changing our mindsets will see a reduction in the tired, glum faces 'dwelling' in MRTs and buses. When we chase for material gains, it is hard not to tread on someone else's happiness to achieve that. 9 Oct 2003

Jobless (25 sep 2003)

I do not write great poems or novelty essays. To pen thoughts down is no mean feat and I guess this happens to everyone once in a while. I am in that state...... Someone told me you need big dreams to drive yourself to success. I agree partly: we live on earth, not the moon, we all have limits. We may dream big but to reach for that peak takes time and occasionally by the time you realize "Oh, so that was my dream!", time has run out. But if I have a child, I will say, " Go for it! Think big before your age defies you!" Reality bites and is biting me hard now. I can never realize my dream now, it will always be a dream in my dreams...... Regrets and proscrastination engulf me from time to time and I know, in fact, everyone knows, these are bad. But who is there to say, I had never procrastinate, had never had any regrets. Afterall, I am a human being. The saying goes, " To err is human, to blame it on someone else is more human." I wish I can blame anyone for all my pessimistic thoughts but my left brain sends the signal that 'all these are your own doings'. Being jobless is not the end of the world, yet it is enough to create a bruise in my pride now. I wonder how I will feel if I suffer a retrenchment instead. I need more trouble waters in order to push myself to build a bridge. Yes, that's what I should do. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel......25th Sep 2003

Live amenably?

Often times, this woman does not know what she wants exactly. She always seem to be living to be amenable, perhaps sometimes trying to please everybody too much. That is why people said, "she lacks character or there is a lacklustre of charisma in her and certainly not assertive enough...." By the way, she knows her weaknesses yet she still finds herself sitting on the fence many times simply because of a simple mindset-- to be as amenable as possible. Come to think of it, just what the heck is wrong with that? If many people were to live with that mentality, then maybe, maybe this world would be easier to live in, with less conflicts and misunderstandings.

However,  'pleasing the crowd' does not seem to bring happiness to her. All she ever wanted was to live happily, so much so that if only, if she can say this piece to the people around her, "Thank you for caring about me, thank you for not always telling me what is right and what is wrong because sometimes i just need to fall to learn that lesson. I have had enough of you people telling me what to do, whom to believe and where i should go." But cowardness obstructed her each and every time she wanted to do it.

This world is full of deceit and this woman have had just ample tastes of that eversince she came to adulthood. She wished she would never have to sound so despondent but the cruelty of this society just dampen her soul every now and then.

This woman also knows that she has to learn to get rid of all these negativity thoughts and live stronger than before because she knew that the world has never and will never spin for her......

这一轮明月

Peggy，你这个朋友我真的没有白交！在我失落的时候，谢谢你的鼓励！你总是在阅览我的博客后给予我勉励的话，更不断在我发‘牢骚’的当儿开导我。

你说的没错，我何必为一些莫须有、毫无根据的话语让自己陷入泥沼中而郁郁寡欢，不能自拔！老天是怜惜笨笨愚昧的人，让我有你们这些不离不弃的老友，每时每刻都在为我担忧的家人；实实在在的你们才是我应该死守，应该把握的人儿！我不该让珍惜我、对我关怀备至的你们愁苦或挂念，我真不该！

有一点我要声明，在我写博客时，我的情绪总是多几分激昂，更有愤怒和感慨的‘搀杂’思路。别误会，我不是说我在瞎胡扯博客的内容，的的确确是有那么一回事，只是我有时言语中较夸张，尤其是在夜深人静时更是‘怨声载道’！博客在我无人能倾诉，无人能听我发牢骚时，它便是我抒发情感、让我发泄的一个管道。每每写完后，我就会反省，之后心情也会随之较平静下来。当然，我也害怕我写的东西有意无意的得罪人，时而会提醒自己要收敛一下。可能在美国有一段时日，与自己相处的时间也多了，因此博客逐渐成为我的死党，同时也让远在家乡的你们能知道我还尚在人间，见我博客也是一种安慰吧？再说，这里提倡言论自由，那么就借助这一点，让我‘自由发挥’吧。了解我的人会知我是直肠子，有的话不吐不快，憋久了会便秘的，很辛苦，所以呀请容许我，得罪人还是得说.....

也许接下来的日子，我也没什么话可对博客说了，像今天教完书后，备了一些明日的课，去了趟图书馆，到base游了个泳（今天最快乐的事），回到家吃了幸福叻沙（学生妈妈煮的，好让我缅怀国土的‘气息’！），我就真的没什么特别的事好交代了。天空正披上一帘夜幕时，一轮明月好圆好圆地悬挂此帘，此同我心，刚巧驾车回来我便忍俊不住拿了相机将明月拍了下来。优记得刚来到美国生活，以为这里的月儿比故乡浓，常常喜欢举头望明月；此时我的情怀却变了，不知是不是国庆快到，低头思故乡更甚于平日。月亮再圆，却不再像一年半前的那种体会。哈哈，怎么我猛然有这般念头，好似已出家为尼，看破红尘的感觉？我看我最近看太多古装片了......

话说回来，支持与‘拥护’我的亲朋戚友，哪怕只是在你们心坎里偶尔闪过思念我的一小段，我只想说认识你们，可谓此生无悔！

期待与老友们再度相聚一刻，故想到这里，才能让我此时黯淡的心情燃起了一缕缕的光线.....

Attachment: 且行且珍惜 伍思凯.mp3
Attachment: 白月光 张信哲.mp3