迁就

目睹身边有许多迁就的例子， 有人为了让家庭幸福美满，于是迁就身边最至亲的人，就算不是自己喜欢做的事，为投其所好也好，心甘情愿也好，迁就成了无时无刻的‘工作’，无可厚非？更看到有的丈夫为迁就老婆，就算自己妻子无理取闹，也仍然笑脸迎人，能迁就多少就迁就多少，无怨无悔？谦让以后是否感情更深、两人彼此更珍惜对方？也许有人会说，这不叫迁就，这是爱、爱戴、爱护、爱惜.....什么都好，不都包括了迁就的成分吗？凡是都是各让一步，才能海阔天空嘛。

我不懂，因为我从未真正谈过恋爱，也从未有人迁就过我，我根本无法体会出自于一个情人迁就时的心情。但是我非常能理解和感受到朋友所迁就我的时刻，而且在我这一生中有无数次如此珍贵又值得思念的回忆。若不是我有家人和朋友的迁就，不会有今天的我，我无以回报，只能在脑海里如广播般反复地重播，生怕有一天我会忽然忘了还是失忆了。曾为我付出时光、精力的你们，我铭记心中，决不忘怀！只有这样，我才不会因为无法像你们迁就我那般回应你们而感到自己的不足和失落。有朝一日，我若能偿还，我会迁就。

今天

今天又起得晚，所以韦玲叫我懒猪。11点半送她到了机场。向来不善于拥抱人的我还是表现出我的‘洋派’，拥抱了乖巧可爱的文茜,然后是韦玲！顿时我们俩都不敢正视对方，是尴尬也好，也是我要飙出眼泪也好，我很快上了车便头也不回地驾走！‘憎相会 爱别离 人生怎可能尽如人意’这歌词中有多少人会有如此般的感觉，至少我从没有，我恨离别然而天下有不散之筵席，我知道人生不可能尽如人意。回想过来，曾几何时，原来我们之间的友谊已经在岁月中无形地发展了，不知道她是否当时与我感同身受。

但我很快又收拾起心情再度上路，这毕竟是我第一次一个人独自驾的那么老远回到亚利桑那。那天从家里驾到圣地亚哥也是我一人包办但回程由于没人陪我聊天，我只好啃糖让自己清醒。驾了大约260多英里后，我昏昏欲睡，几度差点想随便找个地方在车里打盹一会儿。后来还是坚持到了Yuma,才吃汉堡王作为午餐，那时已经是2点半了，肚子不饿但胃口很好。休息半小时左右，灌了咖啡又再度飙上高速公路直奔到Goodyear。对自己很满意，因为我只在这5个小时内歇息了一次，而且一路几乎超过全程的一半我都飙上95英里，碰到几辆警车，不过还好有惊无险！

无可避免的，我精神上和身体已经无法再支撑下去。回到家，第一件事便是想要睡觉，晚餐也不想吃。谁料到，车库里的水箱竟然破了个洞，地上已经有一滩水，眼看‘事态’不妙，便立刻给屋主摇了个电话，睡觉计划就这样被破坏了。还好，屋主果然万事通，样样会修理，半小时内一切搞定。

9点多煮了粥来吃，忽然觉得很寂寞，这两周来都有韦玲和女儿陪我吃饭，今天我又打回原形了。这是我要的生活吗？我能一辈子独自过活吗？也许我根本别无选择，我是应该尽我的本能勇敢活下去，比我遭遇不幸的大有人在，这样想，我一定会好过些......

surfer in ocean beach.AVI

a surfer surfing on mar09 in ocean beach of san diego, impressive cos the water is very cold

walking in heaven.AVI

Walking down Ocean Beach Fishing Pier in San Diego. So foggy that Catherine said we are like in heaven.

If only life can be like this

As i was strolling down the ocean beach fishing pier today in san diego, i have this sudden urge to come and settle here. I have always and kept telling myself that i am so fortunate to be able to tour this country whenever i have a break from my teaching. The scenic drive was like those winding roads in san francisco, cram yet exhilarating. 

Today is Wednesday, yet there is quite a substantiate number of people strolling on the beach and the pier. There were also a handful of surfers all clad in their wet suits riding on the waves. Having treaded on La Jolla beach this morning, i believe the waters is about 10 deg celsius here in ocean beach. How i wish i was one of them surfing on the strong and powerful waves of the mighty pacific ocean.

Due to the foggy weather today, the pier looks almost like the pathway to heaven, Catherine said. It is romantic and no wonder couples embraced themselves on the pier, soaking in a world of their own. Though we could not see far with the thick fog, we still enjoyed the walk on the pier and find our own peace within, for which, makes me ponder about life. Many times we do not know what lies in front of us, we thought the fog will disperse by late afternoon but it didn't. Somehow i didn't feel disappointed because we see a different view and perhaps even the people who went there could be feeling the same as we would. I would love to come back to the beaches of san diego, this could be because Singapore too have the similar beaches, i guess i am missing the sea again. Life is unexpecting, i have many memories and some are really tormenting and some makes me appreciate for what life is meant to be. Yes, if only life can be what i am doing now, to see the beaches and stroll down the pier with no qualms of worries or troubles, just peace...if only....

写

有人告诉我很喜欢看我的博客，我竟然有网迷？！！太不可思议了！很多时候，写写东西，抒发自己的情感，偶尔卖弄文笔，偶尔只纯粹为了好玩，甚至是跟上潮流。

因为有人看，有人关心，有人哪怕只瞧一眼，都能激发我再继续写。

双鱼座的我是浪漫主义者，而且是浪漫得无可救药！然而这个世界并不是梦幻，我常常不得不向世人低头，得脚踏实地。可能我这样的追随导致我无法找到我的真爱，也更加无法让我有勇气去说给以前的他：你可能是我的唯一。生命中的过客有太多太多，甚至有时一个曾经为你出生入死的朋友到头来也只是在我人生中擦肩而过，多悲哀，多无奈呀！我不需要更多的过客，我需要的是永恒的朋友，永久的爱情！咳，老天现在对我可说是不刻薄了，为什么感觉好像难如登天？缘分可遇不可求，曾经拥有，难道真不能天长地久？这样的想法真的是贪心，是奢望吗？

也许就是这世界的无绝对，才能勾画出这么色彩斑斓、绚丽夺目的人生，好让像我如此般不知足的家伙有所梦想、有所追求。或许我也可以在这短短的生命中注入了一些让人刮目相看的片断。所以只要有人阅，便有我不断地编。

忘不了

过去不是一切都不堪回首的，至少我能借助以前的种种来警戒自己不再从犯。刚才跑步时，风涛涛，我忽然想起以前很喜欢挂在嘴边的话：“情缘的遇合如此微妙  无需排演和记忆 便使两颗心不期而遇” 尤记得那时的我很喜爱收集书签，这段话就是从我很多收藏中的书签看到的。美慧，如果你看到这一段，你一定会暗笑，笑我这傻女人，又在故作浪漫，故作深情款款，blur like sotong 吧？
想一想，这书签跟了我有20年之久了！我没把它带来美国，但这话仍然‘管用’，仍旧烙印在我脑海。其实，我还在等待这些话灵验，不知要等多久，或许我永远也等不到，那我的人生算不算白活呢？愈想愈觉得这话似乎是童话，现实生活不是梦幻。
还是实际点的好，我得把精神放在事业上，至少机会不会如此渺茫，那么遥不可及吧。时光飞逝，再不好好充实自己，还有多少时间让我来蹉跎，来磨蹭.....把握现在，展望未来，迈向每天的挑战！人生得意需尽欢,莫使金樽空对月......

Courage

That night as i watched 'Nim's Island', there was one part of the script that i can relate to. Nim asked her father,"What is courage?" "He said courage is the something that you learn and relearn in your life to do the things you want."

I have no lack of very encouraging friends who said that i am very courageous to live the way i am living now. Perhaps what i have is simply impulsiveness and a stubborn belief that i can overcome anything in this world!

Yet, for all those years when awareness sets in, something i have never had the courage to do is to tell those that i loved, "i have loved you all this time, did you ever notice me?" Is it because i have always shown my independency so much so that no one noticed that i need to be protected, i need to be showered with care and concern, that i am not as courageous as what i have portrayed. It's my own fault, actually, because opening up to people is not what i have always believed in and do, not even to the dearest people around me. Swallowing pain and sorrow seemed to be my forte a long time.

Yes, i still lack the courage to do alot of things. I am still learning or perhaps relearning, thinking and rethinking, to truly act upon my thoughts of especially what i should do in the near future or even tomorrow. Alas, am at LOSS again!

Life is too short for me to procrastinate and time will never stand still in terms of happiness. To unseal the 'courage' within me, it has got to be me...somehow...

压抑

压抑情感这回事，我不止做了一次，打从我懂事以来，我不断在压抑。即使是面对自己喜欢的人，不管多么多么喜欢对方也从来不说出来。我很怕受伤害，怕自己配不上.....

有时候被人的话伤害了，我也依旧忍着不驳，多少的不平与愤怒总深深埋藏于心中，生怕得罪人。可能这样太长久了，促使我始终不敢正面地表现出我真实的一面。我何苦这样对待自己？

现在我已经渐渐步入不惑之年，却比以前更加‘疑惑’，真是啼笑皆非！或许老天能帮帮我，让我寻得知音，解除我心中之惑吧，我不想一再一再地压抑自己的情感，真的不想了......

Thursday, September 06, 2007 待飞的心

这是那年写的博克：

扪心自问，现在的教育制度也不完全是毫无可取的，至少它造就了我，引发了我现在的思想，懂得质问这个制度吧! 再过三个月我就能暂告这个恼人的教育制度，随心所欲，为所欲为，放浪无忌！随心所欲，为所欲为，放浪无忌......咳！我是痴人说梦话，自欺欺人啊！到了美国，我还是得向新加坡人报到，改变得了个鬼制度！最值得安慰的是，我真的能摆脱批改大批大批的作业和作文。上天果然在保佑我.....

什么鸟不拉屎的地方，我偏要到那拉拖大屎去，而且是人屎！越是泼冷水的家伙，嘿嘿，肯定是吃不到葡萄，吃我的甘醋！傻人有傻福，我不就是个例子吗？我就活得好好的，他日发光辉，让你们跌破眼镜！

有好些人说我笨，说我悲观，我默认，我的确不聪明，然而我就是不可能释怀，不知时间久了，我这个常得失忆症的家伙可否随即而淡忘呢？不，我可以原谅但不会忘记！纵使再好的朋友难道就有权利这么批判我吗？ 阅览了好几个老师的blog，我觉得他们更悲观！这或许是我这个傻人的个人见解吧，因为真的很难见到所有的postings全是有关快乐的经历或事。 若是这样，这便不是人生！

What am i supposed to do?

又要面对可能改变我一生的抉择！该如何衡量？内心好多的挣扎，这次做的决定会有怎样的结果，没人能告诉我。

 

To have a choice to stay in US, I guess there will be some who would say, "What are you thinking about? Stay lah!" But this will mean I would not be able to see my beloved family and friends for another 2 years. 两年说长不长，说短不短，一个人独自地过，并非易事。The worst is to face everything here alone is not a mean feat, sometimes i just hated to bother others and to let others think that i am lousy for not being able to handle things on my own. Loneliness is sometimes so so hard to bear, i know i won't die from it, 可是眼泪却不听使唤，心在抽噎. 这决定我绝对不能后悔，遗憾总会有的但我不能后悔。

最近比较烦

现在好希望有人对我说：“我比你更烦！”那么我的烦恼就一定显得微不足道，不足为题了！（我的确很自私吧！）

每天告诉自己要‘寻开心’，但是却只一味地想，没有半点行动! 天啊，我真是大白天说梦话......‘被动是不可能得到幸福的’，这句话真该如此吗？难道没有转机，没有奇迹？

那么守得云开见月明又如何来？

看来我是‘寻烦扰’啊......

 

贻笑大方---群的心（两则）7月

《锁上的心》  

一望  无边无际 这旷野

本应是心灵（的）慰藉

岂料我心错综复杂 

萦绕不止的种种恼人、烦扰的

思绪

无从有所寄托  无从将至依赖

放得开 自然是好  放不开

又如何

《笑》

尽情忘我  笑吧！ 笑吧？

怎似种罪过？

我胆怯、我畏惧
此时此刻

笑的背乐是悲哀

啧，吾笑总不免存遗憾

怎可以？怎可这样！

乐极之际要付出代价？

乐开胸怀是非分之想？

脑壳下的枕垫 发出回响

欢笑

勇敢去欢笑

不过分的呀！

寻骚者 你解扰吧……

Grand Teton National Park June 08

Thanks to the snow storm in Yellowstone park, we headed for the spring of Grand Teton. Surprisingly it has so much to offer, it has the beautiful serene Jackson lake and the grand teton range of mountains. We even had the healthiest, nicest organic lunch there!

Grand Canyon North rim oct08

My first autumn in my touring days! Have never seen aspen trees turning yellow in my life! What a romantic and incredible experience it was! Love the sunrise too and luckily wasn't too cold then. Will come back for this again and perhaps pitch a tent there.

My Debugz Aug08

salt lake city June 08

Went to mormon church, very interesting place. The church is actually handcrafted! The great lakes are also worth a visit. The Boham mine is also another manmade structure that can be seen on the moon besides the great wall of china. Here is my first encounter with the american bison, the tatonka.

yellowstone national park june08

Flew from salt lake city to cody airport in the smallest propeller plane i ever took in my whole life, was quite scary as it was so shaky. However the scenery out of the window was breathtaking! Yellowstone national park is really a wonderful, awesome park!

Hoover Dam June 2008

The dam that killed thousands of workers due to heat and exhaustion. It is built across 2 states Nevada and Arizona.

多浪漫多天真的引言

     在年轻的时候，如果你爱上了一个人，请你，请你一定要温柔地对待他。
    不管你们相爱的时间有多长或多短，若你们能始终温柔地相待，那么，所有的
时刻都将是一种无瑕的美丽。
    若不得不分离，也要好好地说声再见，也要在心里存着感谢，感谢他给了你一
份记忆。
    长大了以后，你才会知道，在蓦然回首的刹那，没有怨恨的青春才会了无遗憾
，如山冈上那轮静静的满月。

--席慕容 著