压抑

压抑情感这回事，我不止做了一次，打从我懂事以来，我不断在压抑。即使是面对自己喜欢的人，不管多么多么喜欢对方也从来不说出来。我很怕受伤害，怕自己配不上.....

有时候被人的话伤害了，我也依旧忍着不驳，多少的不平与愤怒总深深埋藏于心中，生怕得罪人。可能这样太长久了，促使我始终不敢正面地表现出我真实的一面。我何苦这样对待自己？

现在我已经渐渐步入不惑之年，却比以前更加‘疑惑’，真是啼笑皆非！或许老天能帮帮我，让我寻得知音，解除我心中之惑吧，我不想一再一再地压抑自己的情感，真的不想了......

Thursday, September 06, 2007 待飞的心

这是那年写的博克：

扪心自问，现在的教育制度也不完全是毫无可取的，至少它造就了我，引发了我现在的思想，懂得质问这个制度吧! 再过三个月我就能暂告这个恼人的教育制度，随心所欲，为所欲为，放浪无忌！随心所欲，为所欲为，放浪无忌......咳！我是痴人说梦话，自欺欺人啊！到了美国，我还是得向新加坡人报到，改变得了个鬼制度！最值得安慰的是，我真的能摆脱批改大批大批的作业和作文。上天果然在保佑我.....

什么鸟不拉屎的地方，我偏要到那拉拖大屎去，而且是人屎！越是泼冷水的家伙，嘿嘿，肯定是吃不到葡萄，吃我的甘醋！傻人有傻福，我不就是个例子吗？我就活得好好的，他日发光辉，让你们跌破眼镜！

有好些人说我笨，说我悲观，我默认，我的确不聪明，然而我就是不可能释怀，不知时间久了，我这个常得失忆症的家伙可否随即而淡忘呢？不，我可以原谅但不会忘记！纵使再好的朋友难道就有权利这么批判我吗？ 阅览了好几个老师的blog，我觉得他们更悲观！这或许是我这个傻人的个人见解吧，因为真的很难见到所有的postings全是有关快乐的经历或事。 若是这样，这便不是人生！

What am i supposed to do?

又要面对可能改变我一生的抉择！该如何衡量？内心好多的挣扎，这次做的决定会有怎样的结果，没人能告诉我。

 

To have a choice to stay in US, I guess there will be some who would say, "What are you thinking about? Stay lah!" But this will mean I would not be able to see my beloved family and friends for another 2 years. 两年说长不长，说短不短，一个人独自地过，并非易事。The worst is to face everything here alone is not a mean feat, sometimes i just hated to bother others and to let others think that i am lousy for not being able to handle things on my own. Loneliness is sometimes so so hard to bear, i know i won't die from it, 可是眼泪却不听使唤，心在抽噎. 这决定我绝对不能后悔，遗憾总会有的但我不能后悔。

最近比较烦

现在好希望有人对我说：“我比你更烦！”那么我的烦恼就一定显得微不足道，不足为题了！（我的确很自私吧！）

每天告诉自己要‘寻开心’，但是却只一味地想，没有半点行动! 天啊，我真是大白天说梦话......‘被动是不可能得到幸福的’，这句话真该如此吗？难道没有转机，没有奇迹？

那么守得云开见月明又如何来？

看来我是‘寻烦扰’啊......

 

贻笑大方---群的心（两则）7月

《锁上的心》  

一望  无边无际 这旷野

本应是心灵（的）慰藉

岂料我心错综复杂 

萦绕不止的种种恼人、烦扰的

思绪

无从有所寄托  无从将至依赖

放得开 自然是好  放不开

又如何

《笑》

尽情忘我  笑吧！ 笑吧？

怎似种罪过？

我胆怯、我畏惧
此时此刻

笑的背乐是悲哀

啧，吾笑总不免存遗憾

怎可以？怎可这样！

乐极之际要付出代价？

乐开胸怀是非分之想？

脑壳下的枕垫 发出回响

欢笑

勇敢去欢笑

不过分的呀！

寻骚者 你解扰吧……

Grand Teton National Park June 08

Thanks to the snow storm in Yellowstone park, we headed for the spring of Grand Teton. Surprisingly it has so much to offer, it has the beautiful serene Jackson lake and the grand teton range of mountains. We even had the healthiest, nicest organic lunch there!

Grand Canyon North rim oct08

My first autumn in my touring days! Have never seen aspen trees turning yellow in my life! What a romantic and incredible experience it was! Love the sunrise too and luckily wasn't too cold then. Will come back for this again and perhaps pitch a tent there.

My Debugz Aug08

salt lake city June 08

Went to mormon church, very interesting place. The church is actually handcrafted! The great lakes are also worth a visit. The Boham mine is also another manmade structure that can be seen on the moon besides the great wall of china. Here is my first encounter with the american bison, the tatonka.

yellowstone national park june08

Flew from salt lake city to cody airport in the smallest propeller plane i ever took in my whole life, was quite scary as it was so shaky. However the scenery out of the window was breathtaking! Yellowstone national park is really a wonderful, awesome park!

Hoover Dam June 2008

The dam that killed thousands of workers due to heat and exhaustion. It is built across 2 states Nevada and Arizona.

多浪漫多天真的引言

     在年轻的时候，如果你爱上了一个人，请你，请你一定要温柔地对待他。
    不管你们相爱的时间有多长或多短，若你们能始终温柔地相待，那么，所有的
时刻都将是一种无瑕的美丽。
    若不得不分离，也要好好地说声再见，也要在心里存着感谢，感谢他给了你一
份记忆。
    长大了以后，你才会知道，在蓦然回首的刹那，没有怨恨的青春才会了无遗憾
，如山冈上那轮静静的满月。

--席慕容 著

要得到别人的信任，是再多的钱也买不到的

这句话多有意思，可是现代的社会有多少人会相信这句话的道理？用金钱来买信任的大有人在。环顾四周的朋友，尤其当了父母的，为了哄孩子开心，不惜花钱买昂贵的玩具、最先进的电脑游戏来‘讨好’孩子。当然有人会说，你这个单身族哪里懂得我们做父母的难，不这么做，孩子就来个‘一哭、二闹的’策略来’围攻‘他们。这么一来，我当然无从吭声。

世风日下，现代的孩子真的难教，许多人只道教育孩子谈何容易，若说我有日真的有小孩，说不定我也和这些家长一样，以金钱收买儿心，说不定从此如跳入黄河，咕噜沉下河底，不能自拔。哼…　我是杞人忧天啦！想那么多干什么屁哪…对不住，听说写博客要’不客气‘。

My first car in arizona 13 mar 08

It's a ford contour sports se, 2.5 litres, teal colour. Feeling the need and excitement, i went for a joyride on my own the first time for half an hour to get used to the car. Only know this one route where there are less cars. Quite enjoy the driving.

Underground leakage! on 9 mar08

I spent my sat afternoon sweeping water away from within the garage. Luckily it is not the gush out kind of leakage. The water heater pipes had problems and the plumbers worked from 7 am till 3 pm for the repair. Before they know where the leakage is, there is this person from the company called the locator.He's got all sorts of funny equipment and one headphone thingy that he listens for underground seepage. Well, now i only have to wait for my mighty landlord Martin who can fix almost anything now to fix up the wall.

Went to a Thai Buddhist Temple 9 Mar 08

Just 15mins drive and we reached this Thai Buddhist temple,suddenly i do not feel like i am in Arizona until i saw the cherry blossoms, lemon tree and orange trees. It is scorching hot already in this early spring, weird weather...

春天悄悄来到

This shrub from afar looks like cherry blossom

初初到来亚利桑那时是冬天，门前门后的花都枯萎了。这里春天来得早，花儿也随着突然的雨季（其实只是几天的雨，但是这里再几年前的365天内之下一两天的雨）而争相开放。还有，这里买得到运口的冰冻泰式榴莲，对它无要求，味道反而还挺好的。

自从来到亚利桑那以后......

自从来到亚利桑那这个地方，这三个月来，我......

• 不是所有都能放下，只求日益减轻...
• 迈入新生活...既来之则安之，是祸是福就听老天爷差遣吧！
• 发觉原来寂寞可以这么难熬
• 发现崎岖的路才是人生，不能强求事事如意
• 要怎样做才会快乐，为什么有时觉得很难，其实快乐不应该这么难…
• 做出什么抉择都好，已经在路上就要披荆斩棘，不要后悔
• 试着看清自己，只有自己才能改变自己....

 

今天和学生谈到他们接触过的校长和老师，学生还说她的校长的模样简直像巫婆，长发披肩、双眼呆滞、面无血色！嘿嘿，经她这么形容果真是巫婆的化身。他们还说......后来又扯到当别人指出自己的毛病时，心里总觉得不好受的事。 于是乎，我告诉他们要坦诚接受他人的批评等‘良言’。哈哈，说得可真容易呀！多少人轻易地谴责他人，毫不犹疑地致以伤透人心的言语，难道他们是对的？ 只看见别人眼中的刺，却见不着自己身上的粱木，我们有很多老师总不耻地这般对待学生的毛病，甚至将他们批判得体无完肤而引以为荣！谁知聊了半天，我竟误会了学生的意思，原来他们的‘第一批判者’是父母， 并非我们这些教育者（当然我们也是属于前几名啦）！咳，天下父母心，我这个单身族也许是不会了解的。

 

 

夜已深，忽然有所感触，反省反省：看清自己，照照镜子，只有自己可以改变自己的幸福、困惑或任何放心不下的事，只有自己可以实现理想，只有自己可以让自己成功。也许我们最重要的人际关系便是如何面对自己，才不会一味地怨天尤人。

夜空

最近日未落 月已升

念乡有余 情绪升温

交错、复杂 好比繁星

然则天空是空的 冷冰冰

该如何排除

顿时茫然无所从

愿 偶日商房踪

                                                                   16Feb2008， 屋子前院的月亮

Hikes at White Tank Mountain, 2 Feb 08,Arizona

Went for a short talk on venomous snakes and insects by a mountain ranger, very refreshing. Then did 2 hikes with Honnie and family, one is at night which is rather romantic and the trail is lit by candles in paper bags! The other one is the waterfall hike, though the waterfall is not that fantastic though. The campfire is nice too, accompanied by a soothing voice of a cowboy singer with his guitar, free marshmallows too skewed and bbq over the campfire. First ride on a hay ride pulled by a truck too.