蔡淳佳 陪我看日出

百听不厌，谁来陪我看日出？

A night's mare or dream?

The first time i watched 1993 Tim Burton's Nightmare before Christmas, i fell in love with it.  Jean once said Jack and Sally (the skeleton male character and his love) are so ugly that she cannot appreciate them. Well, she is right because how pretty can these characters be since they are from the dead and unless you watched the movie one can hardly have an inkling of fondness for them.  However if she had watched the movie, the story behind these hideous creatures will probably change her views.

After more than a decade, i rewatched today and found that my perspectives and reviews of the movie has slightly altered. I still love the show and my loyalty for Jack and Sally will perhaps only ceased on the day i die. Yes, Jack made a mistake for trying to be Santa Claus instead of the pumpkin king he used to be and for that he tried too hard and almost ruined Christmas. Thank goodness he realized his mistakes and managed to save Christmas. I applaud him for the sheer bravery by at least attempting to create Christmas in his halloween town. There are people in this world who must have been like him perpetually trying to do great and creating a difference. Wozniak Steve and Steve Jobs are such people who created affordable computers and formed Apple Inc. in the early 1990s. I recalled that when i first watched this movie, i took side with Sally and agreed that Jack should not attempt to create Christmas, for i always believed in women's hunches (still do now).

'What is meant to be is meant to be'. The truth in this statement still holds out for me but this should not halt our pathway to making a difference in this world. Until you try, you never know....for the least, i try...

得空时...

当我得空的时候，我便不由思索、没头没脑地胡想一番，任由思绪在脑门子里乱踹。最近老是记得那天和chiumei见面吃斋时所聊的一件事。她说的没错，我们这么多年不见，她在精神方面胜过我许许多多，不，应该说不只是她。 我的理念打从在美居留了3年早已改变， 但是我并没有找到精神的寄托。兜兜转转教育界十几年了，我却没法教育自己，当局者迷，我应验了此句。她说我至今仍无法定下心来，我想，这也导致我无法定下性来吧！

现在工作是为了糊口饭吃，但是我为谁，为什么而活？我不知道。难道没有信仰，没有神明信念的我真的就没有法子活出人生的意义？窝藏在这个臭皮囊的灵魂需要什么样的超度，需要什么获得所谓的解救吗？我还是不知，也许，我是不想知道.....

最近对什么事都不再有年轻时那股热忱与激荡的心情了，甚至有些行尸走肉似的，这般‘糜烂’的活着是否是一种罪过？谁能让我悟出个做人的真谛和道理？道道道，何谓道...哎哟，得空也这样想，不得空也这样想.....我是太得空啦！

情

无情便是有情    有情便是无情   只是万物众生   俱都有情   以是万生苦恼    ---古龙

小小的感触

要写出感人肺腑的东西不容易，如果生活中没有大起大落的经历或什么刻苦铭心、坎坷不堪的体验，写作的体裁就变得十分有限了。尤其是像我这种文笔so so的人，只能偶尔卖弄博客文笔、‘挥挥豪’，发泄一番娱人娱己罢了。

自从当了补习老师，生活变得十分单调，少了校园多姿多彩（过多）的生活，我耗在网路电视的时间也随之多了，因此也就提不起劲来写东西。由于生怕自己的语文水平会下降（现在教补习全是英文和数学，教华文补习费低嘛），便选择多看中国制作的电视连续剧。我特别偏好古装历史聚集， 一旦看上‘合意’的，便欲罢不能，每晚穷追着。此外，网路电视无广告，更是让我‘彻夜难眠’。看得内疚了，便换上运动服，到健身中心上上搏击和举重课，好让我这双劳苦功高的灵魂之窗歇歇片刻。不知像我一样的单身贵族是否也有如此般多余的空档用网路电视的节目来‘买醉’。

这是在我还未到巴厘岛前的平日起居调调，去了趟短短的4天旅游，我虽没玩得像2002年时那样尽兴，可也算挺乐的啦。面对接下来淡而无味的生活，我如果改不了自己的心态，相信走到哪个国度我依然是无法乐起来的。

Your dream is your dream: don't let anybody else steal it.

现在的我好难爱自己

我不爱现在的自己。没有明确的人生目标，工作只为了糊口，似行尸走肉。

所以唯一的向往便是往健身院那儿去，好找寻曾有过的那股对人生有所求的精神粮食。在健身课中，看到与我一般的‘同志’，特别是朝气蓬勃的年轻人，哪怕是我手脚不听使唤、出尽洋相，我也要尽量跟上节奏与这些‘热气腾腾’，‘杀气滚滚‘的健身爱好者一起呼喝，把身心、心理的所有闷气都发泄出来，舞动出一个春天来。这对我无疑是在心灵空虚和茫然当中注入了一点强心针。此外，做好运动，洗了个舒服澡，到附近商场买杯珍珠泡泡茶喝，也让我在这炎炎夏日（新加坡也只有夏日）解解心头之‘渴’。

原来人到中年的我不是那么没用的，我还能跟得上这些二十几来岁的年轻一辈。 从一开始的一个小时直至现在我已能支撑两小时的举重和搏击课程，对我这个不适太激烈运动的‘安啼’虽有些威胁性但仍旧应付得来教练苛刻的魔鬼训练，我心底多少是有满足感的。 比上不足，比下有余。当年一天内征服大峡谷12英里的长途跋涉，如今这两小时的汗流浃背真的不算什么！咳，好汉还是不提当年勇吧.....

Rich and Poor person's thoughts

Poor people say "Get a job, Work Hard, Save Money! " They work hard for money.
Rich people say" Cash flow, assets, depreciation! Money doesn't make you rich. Portfolio and passive income makes us rich!" They make money work hard for them.
----Robert T Kiyosaki
I love passive income...

Fickle-minded dreams

i used to hold big dreams. Big, really huge! At the tender age of innocence, I dreamt of owning a castle and rule the land after reading fairy tales.  Then almost instantaneously, after watching cartoons with characters running down the highlands of Switzerland, my dreams became inversely proportionate to the castle and transformed into the peewee size of a cottage with white roses streaming down its walls.
Nothing wrong with that small dream, really. Just that at the twitch of an eye, i changed my dreams again at sweet 18. i went through the torment of my dream guy not even noticing a 170m tall earnest girl standing right in front of him, foolishly waiting that seemed like eternity for him to make the first move.
The first moves were made alright--by the talented pretty babes fluttering before him that he could not take his eyes off. He was rich, lived in a bungalow, played the piano, scored big at A levels ...... Maybe i should get wealthy too and bring my status on par with him so that his eyes could just stay for one more second on me. Cowardice rears my predictable head, nothing happens between us, of course what was i thinking of!? i should have given up on that dream long ago. i know my cottage dream is too feeble which resulted in being chucked aside and brought out from time to time upon seeing some light at the end of the tunnel.
In the flick of an eye, here i am, still groping for some light to guide my life. Something or someone or some form to relit my dreams in this mid-life term of my existence. Will my turning point come before i reached 50? Will there ever be?
I need dreams, not nightmares, sweet big dreams...... cottage with white roses... a VW beetle... a mountain bike...a mountain to climb....to dream or not to dream......ficklemindedness happens!

单身和跑步

好久没有跑步了！今天是我两周内第3次跑步，稍有丝丝的满足感。是的，我终于开始接受事实，新加坡始终是我的家，我不能一直活在摆脱不去亚利桑那自由自在的生活的回忆中而停滞不进。

沿着勿洛蓄水池跑步虽没有让人有‘哇！好美呀！’的赞叹，但比起邻区淡滨尼，我这里的周遭环境强多了。这里跑步和在亚利桑那跑步时的最大差异就是人，那里溜狗的人比跑步的人来的多，况且我是在晚上8、9点才跑，仍然见到不少的同志。

难怪新加坡人大致上都非胖胖族，对健康的概念意识也比较强。也许营养学家或保健概念深的人会认为我跑步的主要目的是为了减肥，其次才是为了强身壮体的思想而不敢苟同。然而我从来都是持有这样的想法，因为改不了夜里吃夜宵如‘舔’雪糕的坏习惯，所以运动对我而言是有私心的。

今天晚上跑步还多了个目的，为了避开我母亲不断催促我结婚的唠叨！你看，这能不让我流连以往居美的日子吗？不管我‘多么‘单身，‘多么’老姑婆，’多么‘没人爱，耳根在那三年倒也清静！单身的确让我有时会处在自卑的状态中，跑步时看到别人双双对对，也不自觉感到寂寞。

平静的池水却平复不了我杂乱的思绪。

如果上天让我在有生之年谈场恋爱，无须轰轰烈烈，只要刻苦铭心，我就知足亦！我知道，大家要说我已经很幸福了！虽然现在兼职，没干出什么大事业，必尽生活不成问题。身边还有双亲和志朋好友，关心我这个傻里傻气的老姑婆，我还要强求什么？

也是，铁一般的事实是我人到中年不能奢求什么，我当然要勇敢地继续跑完我单身的生活。但偶尔发发花痴梦，总行吧？

自找的

路是我自己选的，或是说这条路是我自找的。第二度面对‘无业’生活即将来临，喝西北风时的低蘼时刻真的难熬, 我曾经历过，更不会忘记那滋味。像我这样缺乏信心的人，没了工作，我连头都很难抬起来面对，如今年纪‘一大把’的我那么丁点的自信好像也快蒸发掉了。有的人或许把无业时期当成是‘休息为了走更远的路’来看待，我其实也希望自己能拥有这么潇洒的想法。

可是我非常了解，我是在自欺欺人。

以前在美国，朋友不多反而每个周末还可以往外跑，片刻不能停，好似今天要是看不到那风景或景点，我将来就没有机会了。回到这里，我的老朋友并没有把我给忘了，有的在周末时还是会叫我出去。可是现在的我却不像在美国一样会主动的，毫不‘留情’地把朋友‘拖’出外头（当时Jean和Vijay常常工作得死去活来，我照样厚着脸皮叫他们出门）。

我现在很少笑，就算笑都好像不是打从心里发出的。我变得虚伪，很假......

这么不满足，这么提不起劲的我也让自己厌恶自己。我虽不是能干出一番大事来的人，但我想我可以做到的事应该比现在的更多，路该怎么走，我至今还未摸清。这样的我又如何去引导下一代。

不干了！ 我做对了吗？

Turmoil mind

Sometimes i really do not understand myself and what i want, the worrisome thoughts is so overwhelming that i wish i can go back in time and start all over again to relive, rekindle and recollect my life.  I know that time and tide waits for no man, that i could end up as a pauper if i quit teaching. Still, even knowing that does not deter me from tendering my resignation once more to the ministry to prove to myself for the last time that i do not need to work for a system which i have endured and disliked for over 10 years. I did it once and now i have to make it twice. Am i proud of it? Alas! Not true! I have not regretted the first time i did it and i do hope i do not this time round again... 

I have given my youth to teaching in the primary schools since 1997 and when i look back at what i have done and contributed, it makes me shudder. Not with great pride but my conscience is clear that i have given enough, much more so that i do not even mind if i cannot have a proper job waiting at hand when i come to my last day of service.

What I worry is that i might even have to live on cup noodles if i could not get a fix income. This makes me feel insecure because i have been sheltered for so long in this comfort zone but i know i have to get out of this dead water before i am caught dead in it. I just need to 'psycho' myself that i have to live my life as it comes and to get out of this mid-life crisis as soon as possible. Friends tell me that it is hard to get out of teaching, is there really no miracle? I am not afraid of living alone for the rest of my life but i need a stable career because this will get me to face total loneliness in the future in ease without the woes of monetary matters. Fairy godmother, wherefore art thee? What should i do now?

I wish i can be as strong as the Japanese, even they who lost their homes to tsunamis and earthquakes are not relenting.  So on what grounds do i have to even lament!

很难过

又到心情低落的时刻.....阅完整份《海峡时报》的征聘版，我竟然没有资格胜任任何一则征聘启示版中所要求的职位。我忽然发现自己是这么的没有市场价值，只觉得前途茫然！
其实我应该在这里多写写令人振奋或是愉快的事好让朋友阅读时不会乏味，然而我最近真的很消极，写不出令人鼓舞和乐观的东西。
我还没有冲动得做出一些朋友都认为我不应该做的事----向教育部再度递上辞职信。父母和妹妹都看得出我每天早上要去学校前的‘死人’脸，我不懂得掩饰我的心情和想法，难过就是难过，在亲人面前还有什么要掩饰的！
我的意志也开始很消沉，幸好我还不至于患上忧郁症。令我十分意外的是爸爸竟然鼓励我去参加什么红娘组织！可能他以为我要是找到了男人，我就不会这么沮丧。打从我长大成人，也只有老妈会催促我找男朋友，想不到如今老爸也来这一套！我还没等他说完，便掉头往厨房走，连答应也懒得吭。
我想有一天我会对两老说，请别再劝我找终身伴侣，因为我已经放弃，况且都快39了，谁还会对我有兴趣，我也不再报任何希望。我只想要逃离教学，逃离新加坡的生活，逃离这个‘排斥’单身主义的国度。还是美国人好，不会理会我是不是老姑婆，嫁不嫁的问题，而是把我当正常人来看待。悔不当初当时在美国，为什么不积极找份工并且继续呆在那里。那么我也就不会像现在一样，写着博客时，心里还挂着那叠未改的作文。错失良机也只能怪自己没有远见，算不到自己竟然那么不堪一击，无法调试自己来适应3年后回新的教学生涯。我好悲呀......

Motivation deficiency

It was not so bad that i could not have time to write blog eversince i returned to hometown. The motivation and enthusiasm to do anything seemed to have vanquished the moment i stepped back into the tropical soils. I have not jogged for almost 2 months since i came back, with the excuses of hot humid weather and that the scenery had changed at the back of my mind. I have since turned back to what i was--lethargic and lack of initiation before i left for U.S. because i was never truly happy and satisfied living in Singapore.

Sometimes i even wonder if i was a true Singaporean for the fact that i always have this 'look-down' notion in everything from policies to livelihood eversince i was mature enough to judge this society. Presently, this 'notion' is even more eminent now that i have returned to the same old working style of teaching in the neighbourhood primary school again. Working long hours in the school under MOE system is not a real problem to me since i am single( the society deemed this to be fit for singles!). It is the lack of freedom to teach and say that irks me; it is the 'obedience' of Singaporeans that is prominent in the education line that crushes me; it is my deficiency of courage at getting out immediately of this system that i possess now which dampens my spirit everyday.

I do not know exactly what i should be seeking in my career path and that writing CVs seemed to be the correct way to change my viewpoints. Besides, this is the only way i know and running away seems to be innate in my traits for all these years. I do not perhaps have another 39 years and am sick of being obedient, have i...... americanised?